31 months NED, 31 months and counting... That feels so wonderful to say and yesterday also gave me another step, another milestone to aim for. If I am still NED at my next check up in 4 months time, June, then I will not be seen until December! I will have moved to 6 monthly checks, I can't believe it, 6 monthly. I sit here thinking about that, 6 monthly checks, when I think back to the dark days, the early days I couldn't even think 6 months into the future and now it's 6 months between hospital visits and I couldn't be happier.
I know I haven't beaten this yet but I'm winning, I'm in the lead. I have said all along that I'm a survivor at 10 years, I'm a survivor at discharge. That's not looking at the down side, about being glass half empty, it's about being truthful to myself. I have said that was my only goal from the start but as each appointment gets further and further apart I get closer to it, I feel better because in my head the further apart the checks the less likely the recurrence. I know people say "oh but if you were to have something come back then they would catch it early" well guess what I don't want them to catch something early I want them to be confident there is less chances of it coming back, that means longer appointment times. So I'm going to take 31 months, aim for 35 months and then 6 monthly, that's it for now, no more no less, time to breathe, time to relax. My body and brain crashed last night, it always does afterwards and I end up ill, I think the stress leaves and my body just sort of regroups and gets ready to go again. I'm still feeling rough today but it's a good rough, I'm smiling and the pressure has been released. It will build again, of course it will but for now it's gone and that feels great.
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Well here I sit, my normal spot at the WRVS cafe at City Hospital Nottingham. I've had my chest xray amd now its my routine that is kicking in. My radiologist was the lady who first did me back on 11th Feb 2013, she has done me lots of times since but everytime that doubt nags, the pattern, the previous experience..... I'm not one for food photos either but again another part of the routine..No coffee it makes me even more hyper than I already am and that isn't a good thing!! Nice cup of weak tea and loads of sugar, I know I'm on a diet but today is a lots of sugar day...
It's because I haven't eaten yet, I can't face it, I feel sick to my stomach, I can taste it in my throat and it is making me worse. I'm not overly scared, I'm fidgety, I want it done and over now but I'm not scared so to speak. I am worried of course, I don't want to be told there is a recurrence but I know now after speaking to so many wonderful people that a recurrence doesn't always mean terminal, it means a pain in the arse and a lot more treatment but it doesn't always mean terminal and thats what I need to think. So OK its 1415 hrs (sorry still use Army time..) and its time for my walk down the corridor. In there 5 minutes before, no more than that because there is always a delay... And then its hello to the staff, take a seat and fidget and fuss until the door opens and "Darren, Darren Evans" is called. OK that's it no more putting it off, wish me luck! Time to start walking.... Cancer has been everywhere recently, on the TV, the radio, social media has been saturated with it. One reason was that February 4th was world cancer day, we were encouraged to unite, to stand together, to beat cancer sooner. To post a picture, to tell the world who you were united with. I did, I posted that I was stood in unity with everyone who was ever told "I'm sorry but it's,,," I stand with all of them because unless you have heard those words said to you then you can not truly understand what they mean. You can feel sympathy for that person, you can feel shock, upset, a desire for them to beat it but you can't feel those feelings at the same level as that person and you can't feel the fear, the fear that reaches deep inside of you and really does turn you inside out. Please don't think that those words are harsh, selfish or dramatic. No one can be in your head, no one can ask the questions that you ask yourself at that point in time and from then on. The other reason it has been everywhere has been the passing of Terry Wogan, Alan Rickman and David Bowie. All of them, cancer, all of them front page news. I mourn for them, I truly do because they too I'm sure heard the words "I'm sorry but it's...." and in that instant all the success, wealth, fame and everything else would of faded away to the background because it wouldn't have mattered I'm sure. That gut wrenching inside out fear and the worry and guilt for what it would put the ones we love and who love us through goes with those words. I have said it before Cancer doesn't discriminate, it doesn't care about colour, wealth, success, age, sexuality or faith. It is blind to it all as it consumes the person it turned it's own body against, wealth may afford you the best treatment but it doesn't guarantee a win. The passing of celebrities always makes people think, in this case I'm sure it reminded people that cancer is out there, wherever it wants to be and it still wins sometimes. But what about those who don't make the front page when cancer wins, those people are no less important in the fight, in the war on cancer. Their loss impacts on those they loved and loved them, their loss can give great grief but can also inspire. They inspire new charities and foundations, they inspire new awareness campaigns, they inspire "ordinary people" to do "extraordinary things", and those people take the fight a step further down the road to a complete victory. It's those amazing people as well as some other things that have been my inspiration this last couple of days. I have had a difficult couple of days in so much as it has been my 3 year diagnosis anniversary, I know it means nothing really, its just a date, but if you have read this blog from the start you know anniversaries and dates are a particular difficulty of mine. As I started drifting I have seen some people get bad news, people who have read and commented on this blog, people I have shared messages and conversations with and friends. I haven't ever had the news that they have had and because of that I have a future of endless possibilities still, yes Sarcoma might cross my path again but until it does I shouldn't sit and wait for it to make an appearance. I do not know my future, as I write this I do not know where and when or even who will be in my future. I don't know how long it will be, if I will be a success? Or even if I will get the things I want most. I owe it to those who don't have that chance to live mine and live mine well, to maybe be that ordinary person who does an extraordinary thing that inspires someone else's journey or fight....I doubt it I'm just a normal bloke lol but I do still have a lust for life, a desire for love and a need to explore. I do need to realise that I have to stop needing control at all times because I can't control everything, that was a sarcoma given lesson, and I can't keep pushing people away whenever I get scared.
My next scan is rapidly approaching, it's next week, my scanxiety is building and I am having my normal reaction of closing up, pushing people away, being unreasonable, just being a dick. I know I'm doing it, I don't like doing it but I can't stop myself some days. That isn't going to help me so tonight I make a decision to embrace my future. I make a decision to look forward, start walking and don't stop. Let's see what this future brings, the good and the bad because I'm sure there will be both. There will be love and loss as well I'm sure but I don't know when or where so I won't let them dictate my path. I'll lose people along the way and I'll bring more in, that's the exciting bit I guess! There was another reason for 4th Feb to be important and it is the source of one of my true inspirations. My 3 kids are my life, my constant for love and joy when I struggle to find it in life. The 4th was my daughter's 8th birthday. A special day for the most special girl. I wanted to put it here because well it is a check up I have next week and you never know... but also because it gives me a reminder that all days, even world cancer day which can be full of sadness, can also be full of hope and joy. So happy 8th birthday Madison Lily, dream big, love always Daddy x |
Darren EvansOn Feb 11th 2013 my life changed forever when I was diagnosed with a myxoid liposarcoma of the right thigh. This is my version of my life since then. Archives
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