I’ve not blogged in a long time. I decided to see where life and Sarcoma was taking me, I started to look forward more, I still had bad days but they were just that bad days not bad weeks. I was learning to control my fears, my emotions, my thoughts and I was feeling stronger.
Then a couple of weeks ago it all come crashing down and whilst it thankfully wasn’t because of Sarcoma it put my mind into all sorts of places, places I didn’t want to be again. My son had been the subject of bullying for a while and unfortunately he reacted and reacted badly. He had lost his “friends” during the process and still tried to put a brave face on, he didn’t know where to turn because he was scared that telling me meant confronting the problem and he wasn’t ready to and having no friends to turn to he was lost. His reaction had got him into trouble and finally it all came out. I was hurt and disappointed by his reaction and behaviour but I was devastated because in his head he had no friends. This was heartbreaking because this kind, funny, considerate kid was alone because he had stood up to people who were once his friends and now made his life a misery and he didn’t know where to turn. It got me thinking about how we rely on friends, our real friends, and it got me back to thinking about my friends when I hit rock bottom, when Sarcoma took me to my lowest ebb. I learnt a lot about the people in my life and my “friends” when I was there. I had always thought I had a lot of friends, I thought I could rely on them all, I have learnt that I couldn’t. Now before you think this is a rant or I’m blaming them I’m not, I absolutely am not. I was as much to blame as anyone and I’ve said it before in this blog, when I got ill I pushed people away, I didn’t want to speak to anyone especially about cancer or how I was feeling because I couldn’t accept I was scared and had lost control. I couldn’t be “positive” like people, my family and friends expected me to be, I wasn’t one of those brave people who were ready to fight and never said they were scared. I was embarrassed because I couldn’t cope and I got angry when people would awkwardly tell me that “it’ll be ok, you just need to stay positive” and at that point I thought I had no friends either because they couldn’t accept me as I was now, this new me. This is the tough bit, some of them couldn’t, I was too much like hard work, they were uncomfortable around me, I wasn’t Daz anymore so they didn’t want to and still don’t want to be around me. The phone calls and text messages stopped, there were no offers of a pint or a brew. But there were some, just a few, who stood shoulder to shoulder with me, when I couldn’t tell my family how I felt they listened without judging me, they sat and had a brew whilst I pretended I was alright, they never said “be positive” they just asked if I needed anything. They were there for me and they showed me what real friends are. They are the ones who are still in my life now. I also made new friends, when I was brave enough to join the sarcoma community I met some wonderful people who I accepted into my life immediately, who offered me kindness and friendship and who knew how I felt because they had felt the same too. They are the ones who are still in my life. And that true friendship is why when it went wrong with my son they were the ones who offered me support straight away, they didn’t ignore me, offer me false sympathy to make them feel better as that would be what’s expected in their minds. They listened to me when I talked about my fear of failure again, of how my fear of a recurrence and therefore leaving my loved ones without me to care for them when they needed me came rushing back. That fear has been front and centre in my thoughts again, the fear and guilt of me not being here, that sarcoma would take me away, that I wouldn’t be here when they needed me. I needed people to listen and once again they returned my messages, called me, sat with a brew and listened whilst I talked again and once again they proved they were real friends. Our loved ones, our wives, husbands, families help us through when we experience those petrifying words at diagnosis and so do our friends, the ones who know you, who get that you’ve changed but want desperately to be the person you were before. They can be the one we tell the most too because we don’t want our families to see us afraid or to give them more worry. I want to thank those of you who stood by me and still stand by me now, those who still put up with me when I disappear for a few weeks or months because I’m struggling, those who put up with my mood when the scans come round, those who never gave up on me. Thank you. And thank you for giving me people to tell my son about as he starts to rebuild, examples of real friends so my son can look out for these people coming into his life, so that he can understand what being a true friend is and he can learn to accept and give this friendship a lot earlier than his Dad ever knew how to. Thank you all.
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Darren EvansOn Feb 11th 2013 my life changed forever when I was diagnosed with a myxoid liposarcoma of the right thigh. This is my version of my life since then. Archives
June 2018
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