I have put a link to a fantastic blog on the links page, it is to the blog of Becky and is called diary of a fat bottomed girl. I started reading Becky's blog through finding it on Twitter and I have to say that it moved me, the strength and love she has for her husband and family really did move me but it also made me think about what it must be like for those that love us, us, the patient, the fighter, the sufferer, the person... I'm not going to say that I have never thought about diagnosis, treatment and afterwards from this side of it because I have of course I have, I have changed massively throughout this trip and not just for the best, I have turned to those who love me when I need them, I still do and I probably don't think about how I am affects them and to what extent as well, There are people who love me, no honestly there are, and they have to put up with a lot. I'm not the man I was, I'm not the man I want to be, I'm a pain in the arse, Unfortunately my cancer diagnosis and treatment, yes it was successful, didn't at first give me a new love of life it gave me a fear of the future, it didn't give me mental strength it gave me mental heath issues, I didn't approach everything with a sense of positivity I approached it all with a sense of dread. I lost my sense of fun, my relaxed way of looking at life and for a long while the ability to think beyond the next day. I'm not bitter, not in the slightest. I have met some remarkable people who take this life event and attack it, they attack it with positivity, with strength, with no fear and I admire them greatly. They were who I thought I would be but now I know I'm not they are the people I wish I could of been because then it wouldn't have taken me so long to start to heal. Yes start to heal because even now nearly 3 years NED later I still haven't fully healed and in that sentence lies the problem for those who love me, I haven't fully healed. Losing those big parts of me has made it very difficult for those closest to me, I expect them to put up with my extreme mood swings, my craving for control of my future whilst at the same time my fear that I don't have a long one. I expect them to understand when out of the blue my fear of a recurrence and dying makes me quiet and sullen. I withdraw even further on those days, I need contact, affection, a soft word more than ever but I retreat so they can't be said. I feel guilty for being this way, for having to make the people around me see that or feel down because they know on those days I won't respond anyway. Without going to deep because it's just my ideas and not scientific fact, I think that guilt makes me retreat so I punish myself for not allowing them to be close to me, the punishment is what I deserve for having put them through this. They don't deserve it, I don't either but when that mood is set in, well it takes some shifting. A bit of time and a bit of love work, but it isn't instant. Then there is the other side of the coin...They then have to also be ready for when I'm "up" and ready to take on the world, desperate for more fun and laughter, wanting to create memories and special moments. When I am up they see the man I was, the laid back, impetuous, adventurous, happy man who took things in his stride and laughed. That must be difficult, the change in me isn't a small one and to be reminded of who I was and yet see who I now am must be difficult to take. You fall in love with someone because of all of them, not parts, when some of them has gone or seems to have gone I imagine it can be difficult because you see they are struggling but you don't know how to help. Add to that for me there is rarely a constant, a median line, a "normal" I am either one or the other well that's a roller coaster in anyone's world.
I've stopped talking about my feelings again with those closest to me because I think that they are fed up with it now, it's been 3 years you have to be past it now, let it go, you can't live in fear, all things that have been said to me so when I do talk it is generally only with Nicola or with other patients or survivors, they don't say those things to me so it's easier for me to talk about my fears with them. I know those that love me are there and that they would listen if I wanted them to but it's easier for me to not burden them or make them frustrated with my dark days. I know that it has been 3 years, I know that some people can just go back to normal or be super positive, I know that living in fear restricts my future and if I could change it all without thinking I would do it in a heartbeat but I can't so unfortunately I and therefore them have to live with it until I can. That is a lot to ask anyone and only someone really special will stay by your side when their life is affected by something they can't control. Only someone really special can say "let's just ride out today, it's a bad day tomorrow we go again". That is a truly unconditional love. This next bit it is for me the most difficult part of this chapter to write because I have no experience of it, those who no longer have that person, that husband, wife, boyfriend or girlfriend, that mum or dad or for me worst of all that son or daughter. I can't comment on you or for you or about you because I have never been there, in your shoes walking your journey. It seems almost churlish of me writing this chapter when you have experienced the worst this shit awful disease can throw at a family or a couple. I have met and spoken with some people who have been here and one thing always stays with me. The love you carry, the fact that all of you still carry that love shows to me that even when it wins a battle it can't win the war. Your love inspires you, others, us to push that bit further, to raise that money, to make people talk about cancer, to make people check themselves. That is not just an unconditional love but also an unbreakable one. You inspire me to keep fighting, to win my war in the end, because I have seen the pain you suffer and I don't want those that love me to feel it to. I need to stop talking about myself, you will think it's all about me and this chapter isn't!! So back to those that love us, those that ride this roller coaster with us, you truly are wonderful. Everyone needs someone to tell them they love them and it will be ok, everyone needs someone they can say I love you too, because for me in those dark days all you can really cling to is love. Thank you for putting up with us, thank you for putting up with me, today might be a bad day but tomorrow will hopefully be better thanks to love and those that give it.
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Darren EvansOn Feb 11th 2013 my life changed forever when I was diagnosed with a myxoid liposarcoma of the right thigh. This is my version of my life since then. Archives
June 2018
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