So you may have realised and those who know me have that I have been quiet for a while, its not just here, my entire digital life has been quiet and in some cases completely on hold. It was a conscious decision, I had so much going on in the real world I needed to be present in it, I needed to confront some things and resolve some others so I could find some peace again.
Whilst I was away I missed what is a big milestone for me, well for this blog actually. Its been a year, this blog is a year old, well just over that now. I can't believe it has been a year since I pressed the post button for the first time, a year since I started putting my innermost thoughts "on paper" and in the public domain. I never thought I would, never, but I have and it has changed me and my life. It helped my recovery, brought new people into my life and has given me a chance to look back and actually look at how and what I felt during this journey properly and maybe understand why I was how I was and how I am. The most surprising and honestly humbling thing for me was the numbers, over 208,000 page views. Firstly thank you, thank you all for taking the time to read my words and hear my thoughts. I never thought anyone would read it, I didn't think it would be of interest to anyone, it was just somewhere my kids would always be able to access me even if the worst happened. Secondly if my words have helped just one person, if they have made you feel you are not alone in your thoughts or feelings, if it has made you go to the doctors to get a lump checked, if it has made you talk about Sarcoma to someone you know or even didn't know, then I am happy, truly I am. Third, thank you all to everyone who has found and helped me through this blog, you do know who you are and I remain forever grateful to you and I am pleased you managed to get me to let you into my life because it is better for knowing you. Some of you have given me so much inspiration, your strength has helped me to find strength in myself even when the tough times have hit this year. Thank you, thank you again. I'm not going to bore or bother you with everything that has been going on in my life but there are two things that have had quite a large impact on me and where my life and more importantly my head is at right now. My mum has "joined the club", I can't say much as she is still in diagnosis and planning stages but I will say it has rocked me and brought back some really vivid memories, the first meeting with the CNS, in the comfy sofa room of course, the fear instilled by a GP, the calm reassurance of the specialist and just the entry to the club and the feelings it brings. I don't want to talk to much about it as she reads this blog and I don't think it is fair to talk about her at present, she is still getting everything sorted so I think its best to leave it there for now. The next one is the difficult one for me to think about and to talk about. In July I went for my 3 year check up, my big one, the one I have been thinking about since I was first told I had cancer. The first year and second year were massive and survival at 10 years was, and still is too far away to think of, but 3 years well 3 years and 6 monthly check ups, that was the goal, that was where I wanted to be. I had the check up, my leg and chest x-ray seemed fine, no change to my lungs and no new lumps in my leg, I had made it I was over the 3 year line so when I was asked did I have any worries I said "No", just the one word but it was a lie, I knew it was but I didn't want to ruin that moment because I was happy and just for a minute I wanted to just feel happy not to think about the worries that had been eating away at me. It was wrong of me to do it but I have had so much making me feel shit at the minute I just wanted to forget it all and just be happy. I left and after a couple of weeks it was too much to keep inside and I phoned Nicola, as always she was there to listen, just listen and not judge me on my fears or tell me I was being stupid. I tried to say I wasn't worried but as always with straight talking she told me that if I wasn't worried I wouldn't be phoning.... Point made, me put firmly in my place lol.... I have been experiencing a lot of pain in my original site, well not the actual original site as that has been cut out and destroyed a long time ago!! In the area around where my tumour was the muscles have almost had a constant ache for months, at times it has been pain. I've been told that this could be a symptom of the radiotherapy damage still after all this time and at first I fought my worries with this reason. I controlled it I pushed it down but now it was too close to the surface. Nicola arranged for me to come in and see my surgeon to put my mind at rest so it was back in to my least favourite place in the world to try and get my mind rested... Miss Raurell was as calming as ever, her whole persona is that of calm of logic but by the time she had got to me I had already worked myself into a frenzy, I hated being there and although she said look it seems fine I can't feel any new lumps but we can arrange an x-ray for today and follow that up with an MRI to be sure I just convinced myself that I was back in the club and the fight was about to start again. I went straight to x-ray and had what felt like way too many pictures for just a check up taken and was sent off with a "you will get you results at you appointment". If you have read this blog you will know that I have my check up x-rays on the day of my appointments to stop me from building myself up, to stop what the last couple of weeks have been like. I didn't hear anything about my x-ray but had a telephone call just confirming the date of my MRI, that set the two parts of my brain off against each other again. The logical engineer part of my brain said and is still saying "if there was a problem they would call you in, if there was a problem you would know by now" and its right, its logical but the cancer patient side of my brain is screaming out "if there was no problem then you would not have even needed a scan or an x-ray, this is back, get ready to fight". So that's where I am right now, I'm fighting myself, and that is a fight I just can't win. I survived my MRI last week which is an achievement in itself but Monday can't come soon enough because one way or another I will have the facts again and its the facts that help me control my anxiety and that control is desperately needed. That takes me back to the start of this post and this blog, I have "met" some wonderful people through writing this blog and it is their support that is getting me through this. When I feel like I have no one to talk to or no one I can talk to I can head to Facebook and the great group of people in the 2 groups I belong too will just listen to me rant or moan, just listen and not judge me for being scared or in a bad place or tell me to stop being stupid. This blog brought me into the Sarcoma community and it is the people who are in that community that are helping me get through to Monday and whatever that brings. So thank you again for reading this blog, for joining me on this journey and for understanding just how shit this ride is at times. Thanks again all, I hope you are all as well as can be. x
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Darren EvansOn Feb 11th 2013 my life changed forever when I was diagnosed with a myxoid liposarcoma of the right thigh. This is my version of my life since then. Archives
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