So I was flicking through Twitter not really reading it but scanning and I saw a tweet talking about Xmas number 1 and at first thought it was another campaign to stop The X Factor claiming it again but then I saw the name and I watched it. It is this song, the one below... I can't lie, there were a couple of tears watching it and I hope the following words explain why. This is a kind of difficult time of year for me, it has been since 2013 and I don't think it will ever change and although the reason for that may seem daft it is for me unfortunately just there and won't change.
I find this time of year difficult because there always seems to be a lot of reflection for me, I look to my past, my present and my future. Armistice day and Remembrance Sunday takes me back to my life in the Army and to my friends who are no longer here, I go back to the laughter and jokes, the good times and the bad ones, the memories are still as vivid as the day we made them. It was also this time in 2013 that I broke, when I couldn't take my thoughts anymore, when I lost myself and had to admit that, not just to myself but to others, and going back there can turn my thoughts dark again. It is also my birthday, and I think we all look at ourselves and our lives on that day, I turned 42 yesterday and the same thought I had last year and the year before and the year before that was back as I looked at my cards over a coffee. "What if this is my last birthday?" I don't know why and I know that I shouldn't have that worry, I'm "lucky", I'm NED, I'm heading to 6 month checks and there is no reason other than statistics to make me worry but I do. Its there and that leads me on to those tears because I have recently spoken with and heard the stories of others not in the same place as me. I have heard and read the words of them and the people who love them and as always their strength, dignity and love is inspirational. I am not in there situation and can never expect to understand how they feel I can only imagine, I hope I never know, I hope that those who love me never know it either but if they do the chances are a Hospice will be involved. I have only been in an Hospice once, to visit someone just before their fight ended, the part of this journey I can't allow myself to think or dwell on, that is embarrassing to admit because again I see the strength of the people who have to and I don't think I could be the same, not knowing what I know now about how I've coped so far. There is a moment in this video, a nurse sprays perfume onto a lady, she has I guess asked for it and I guess it makes her feel herself, normal, just for a second and I think that is such a touching moment but also a reminder that this is real and happening to real people, mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, husbands, wives, real people, real families and it reminds me how much I hate this fucking disease. From the moment Sarcoma, cancer, entered our lives our normal changed, it will never be the same again, our thoughts our hopes our dreams changed. Yes some of our hopes and dreams remain the same but I'm sure like mine some have changed beyond all recognition. I had to learn to accept that new normal, I wasn't exactly the same, I never would be but some things didn't change. I still love music, I still want more tattoos, I still want to visit Hawaii, I am still me. That is what I see in the lady with the perfume, I guess that is part of her from before, the person she was and still is, maybe that is the thing her loved ones think of when they think of her or what they will remember in the future. I may be wrong of course but I hope that no matter what happens in my future there are little things about me that bring a smile to the faces of those closest to me. I wish none of us had to see this new normal, that nobody ever had to support a loved one as they face it, I especially wish that those conversations I haven't had to have would never have to be had again. I wish we could beat this disease once and for all, for all of us, but unfortunately at the minute we can't so all I can do is wish as much love, happiness and peace as you can have no matter where you are right now on your journey. I am lucky, my worry has come and gone ( well not completely yet...) this weekend, others are not that lucky so if you can I guess maybe we should try and get this to the Christmas number one spot, let's raise some money so people can continue to be who they are, let's raise some awareness and get people talking about the part of cancer that doesn't make the adverts, their twitter page @ChoirLondon tells you how.
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I'm Dad to 3 children, and like any dad they are my life and I really would give my last breath for them. Harry is 12, Madison is 8 and Charlie is excited to nearly be 4. This post deals with just that one up there, Harry, my eldest and too cool to cuddle me in public unless I grab him for a photo just like I did up there. We have spent and do spend hours together because of him playing football and me being the chauffeur, we do clash at times when I'm being his dad and not his mate and we always disagree over who is the FIFA champion of the house (its him I just won't admit it) but there have always been more smiles than anything else and I am immensely proud of him. Anyway before this just becomes a gushing parent post I suppose I should explain why this is about him..
Last Friday night he walked in from school and we were getting ready to go straight back out to football when he gave me a smile and said "Dad, can I ask you a question?" Now I have been waiting for this and I expected it to be about well you know what I was expecting, I know they learn it in school but I like to think I'm there for advice on anything... "Becky, the tall girl in my class...." Yep here we go...... "She asked if you and her Dad were mates, was you in the army together?" Yes mate a long time ago we served in Germany together, that was it? surely not, there must be more to come "She said you've got cancer, have you?" and with those words came a smile that wasn't a smile and fear in his eyes, my heart broke in two, the moment had come and it hurt, it really hurt. I have never told my children that I had sarcoma, cancer or any variable of those words. Rightly or wrongly, and I know that some of you will disagree with my decision because it has been said to me before, I chose at the very start of this journey to not let them know. I didn't want them to be scared, I didn't want them to worry and I didn't want them to know and understand the word cancer until they really needed to which I hoped would be never. I am selfish and I am a protective parent and I don't make much apology for that, if I could have them grow up and live a life where nothing bad ever happens then I would take it. I know that won't be the case, I have seen the bad things this world can show you, up close and personal, and I know that one day our illusion of the world created from our innocence will shatter but as a Dad my job is to stop that happening for as long as possible. Since my treatment the eldest two did learn the word, a local celebrity died of melanoma and his foundation set up education and facilities to help fight this type of cancer in Derby including school visits and lessons. I sat with them at the dinner table as they wanted to discuss what they had learnt and it churned me up inside, in their minds you got cancer and died because that is what happened in this instance to this man. I told them emphatically that wasn't always the case, I didn't want them to be scared of the word and yet there I was still hiding them from my story, not telling them that Dad had been there and yet I was still here with them eating spaghetti! Who knows, maybe that would of been my chance to talk to them but I ran from it, I avoided it but now I couldn't, it was an outright question and it needed an answer. The house was too busy, the other two were in the kitchen too so I simply said "come on hurry up we can have a chat in the car" he looked worried and I simply said "come on we've got to be there soon". As he walked off my heart was thumping and I felt sick to my stomach, the look on his face and in his eyes was one of fear and I hated seeing that. He knew there was something and he was scared, I think he was also hurt, he had found out from someone he barely knew instead of the person who has always said "just tell me the truth, I can help with anything if you tell me the truth about it, anything" and yet here he was finding out his dad had hidden something. My mind was racing, how was I going to start this conversation, what could I tell him, what did I want to tell him ? Truthfully I still wanted to tell him nothing but I knew I must. We got in the car and as soon as we got on the road I turned the stereo down and said "Ok mate, lets have a chat, its just me and you, what has been said and what do you want to ask me?" He just said what he had said earlier and then asked me if I had cancer, and as he asked that question he looked terrified at what I would say as an answer... I spent the next 15 minutes talking to him about it all, did he remember when I had lots of time off work because I was poorly, that's why I couldn't go to Spain the first time to watch him play, why my leg was still weak, why I had my "shark bite" but most importantly that I had indeed had cancer, I had been treated and that at the minute and for the last 3 years there had been no more cancer in my body. I explained that the reason I kept going to the hospital every now and then was to check that it hadn't come back and if it did then they would find it really early and make me better again. Yes I admit I never told him the odds of a sarcoma recurrence, I never told him of my battle with my own mind, I never told him of my fears because he still doesn't need to know that. He needed to know that cancer is not a word to be afraid of, that it can be beaten, that not everyone who gets cancer will die from it. I did ask him not to tell his sister and brother though, not just yet, they did not have any idea and wouldn't ask about it and they were still young enough to live with that innocence and yes ignorance of the word for a while yet. He took it better than I thought and had some small questions, I won't lie and say the fear went from his eyes because it didn't and he still keeps looking at me or like he wants to ask a question but he doesn't know how to or if he really wants an answer. Rightly or wrongly I'm not going to force him, he can ask if and when he is ready to, he knows enough for now, he is still only 12 and I can protect him from some things for hopefully a little bit longer because let's be honest its maybe protecting me a little bit too. |
Darren EvansOn Feb 11th 2013 my life changed forever when I was diagnosed with a myxoid liposarcoma of the right thigh. This is my version of my life since then. Archives
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