2016 has been a big year for me and this holiday period has been a time of reflection and also future planning. I am so happy to write that, a period of future planning, I have actually thought about more than the next 6 and even 12 months and that just confirmed to me that I have gotten stronger again this year.
In those reflectiosn I also remember those we no longer have with us, we have lost more people this year along this journey and not just celebrities but "normal" people, people who will be missed by those who love them and always will, people who made an impact in their own way and maybe never knew it but they did, they touched lives too. I will think about them tonight as I will my family and friends who are not here to hear the chime, raise a cheer or a glass with us in person but will do in our hearts and minds. I have started putting these reflections and thoughts in more detail but I also want to celebrate, I want to celebrate and I want to look forward because I know that it has taken me a long time to get to this place and that others won't have that opportunity tonight or to live those plans tomorrow so I will do it for them as best as I can. I remain grateful for my second chance. Thank you all for reading my thoughts again this year, and if you have seen a little of yourself in there then thanks again because you have made me feel like I'm not alone in this crazy Sarcoma world. Happy New Year and may it be as healthy and happy as it can possibly be, for all of us.
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And I'm done, I'm clear, x-ray unchanged, pain and numbness from scar tissue, swelling from fluid retained in my "manky" leg.
I made it through my first 6 months, I can breathe, I almost physically feel the wait lifting as I wait for my food, I'm starving, I'm shaking and I'm exhausted. I'm going to eat and take a minute before I head off and then I know what happens next. The crash. My body and emotions will crash. I will sleep tonight, I will sleep without worry, without a nagging doubt, I will reaffirm that this is my chance to live better, I have an opportunity that others don't. So here I am, right now, at this moment, the x-ray department City Hospital Nottingham, sat waiting for my pre-clinic chest x-ray. I have been ok until I walked in and now I'm not. I haven't eaten today and I think that is why I feel sick to my stomach but I know my heart isn't racing because of the 3 cups of coffee I have forced down. I'm knackered because I haven't slept but my brain is doing all the permutations....
I managed to get a parking spot right outside the door, I hope that isn't the only good thing that happens here today. I know I'm better off than most, I know this is to check it hasn't come back, others are fighting a much more difficult battle at this minute, but at this minute, right now, I f**king hate this bit. There is nothing else I can do, nothing I can change so I will breathe, get my cup of tea after my x-ray, go to the room when they call me and just get through. |
Darren EvansOn Feb 11th 2013 my life changed forever when I was diagnosed with a myxoid liposarcoma of the right thigh. This is my version of my life since then. Archives
June 2018
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