When was the last time you rubbed a part of your own body? Behave yourself this is a serious blog.... For me it was my leg and it was about 4 minutes ago and that was probably the 10th time I did that today. 10 times? you ask, yes 10 times, at least once an hour and always the same way. I put my hand on the top of my thigh at the edge of "the dip" and slide it towards my knee. Open hand to cover the entire site of the dip, middle finger runs along the scar towards the burst blood vessels from the radiotherapy. Once it goes up the other side of the dip until the heel of my hand is out of the dip then I come back slowly, it's still numb and hard up the scar line apart from when I put it in a certain position and then it get's soft and I can really knead it to see if there are any deep lumps!!
Not as often but at least twice a day I check my groin as well, fingers in deep to check my lymph nodes, both sides, top to bottom. I check my stomach most mornings too, I lay flat in bed before I get up and push my fingers into the places the doctor does when I have a check up. Now you may think I'm not telling the truth, everyday? you may ask and my answer is.....Yes, everyday is the same, everyday I check. If I could check my own lungs everyday I would, if there was a weird and wonderful way for me to do it, even if it caused me intense pain or made me look stupid I would do it. In a heartbeat. And I've been doing this since I first went into remission. In fact I've just checked my leg as I wrote this, I noticed as I finished doing it. This habit started in the build up to my first 3 month check, after I was discharged I think I missed the security blanket of the hospital and treatment, I don't think I'm alone in that feeling either. I have spoken to a few people and when they first get into remission they miss not having that security around them, they see things or feel things wrong with their bodies as they adjust to life after treatment. I have never been to a group meeting of Sarcoma survivors or patients but I imagine it full of people rubbing parts of their bodies. What's strange is that I don't even know I'm doing it anymore, the first I know is when I'm told stop rubbing your leg, I guess it's like a tic now, just a subconscious movement that happens! I've talked previously about scanxiety and how I deal with it, or not as is really the case, so I wont really go into to much detail again but the build up to my first check up was a real mixture of fear and excitement, I switched between one and the other at the drop of a hat, almost minute by minute at times, I was desperate to go but scared of what they would say. As it got closer I also noticed me going further into myself and putting distance between myself and others. I was irritable and my concentration was also really affected. For the week before the appointment I didn't really work, I opened my laptop, I read my emails but I couldn't process them mentally, I answered the phone but didn't really speak to anyone. The office staff had been warned by my boss that I would struggle, I had told him, and they were brilliant they allowed me to work through it, one always asked how I was each day, always the same question "You ok?" and always the same answer "Yeah, muddling through" and then chin up became the motto and the way our conversations always ended "chin up, bye". I didn't really speak to them in too much detail I still couldn't speak to anyone in depth but "chin up" remains even to this day. We went to Centerparcs on the Saturday and Sunday before the check on the Monday, it was my eldest son's birthday and he loves the place, all my kids do, I think it's the swimming pool! That weekend I was not good, I tried to put a version of my work face on as the family didn't want me miserable, they didn't want me moping I needed to be happy to be celebrating my son's birthday and I was on the outside, it was inside I was struggling. I was rubbing my leg almost constantly and I mean constantly, I was doing it 15 - 20 times an hour, it was ridiculous but I couldn't stop. On the Saturday I had been in the pool with the eldest two all day and my asthma flared up, I knew it was asthma but that part of my brain started up again!! It's a met, that's what the problem is, that's why it's bad, that's why the inhaler doesn't work, etc.. etc.. Then the Sunday night I just sat and watched TV, I've said it before that's part of my routine, still is, always will be I'm sure. I'm back again in a couple of weeks and I know already that Sunday night is shit TV night!! I built myself up that night to accept the bad news, I was convinced so I was ready to accept it, to go again, to fight that's what I had to do, I really was ready. The actual check up was as I described before, the start of the routine that I know and have now, the x-ray, the wait, the room, the wait, the results and the relief. What I did do at the end of the check up was speak to Nicola, I told her how I had been, I told her I was struggling to cope and that I was convinced it was coming back, I didn't tell her exactly how bad and how black my thoughts were, I still didn't want anyone to know, she offered me counselling I refused but I did accept when she said she would speak to the people at Maggie's and see what they would suggest. I accepted because I wanted to find a way out of my hole without anyone knowing I was in it, I thought I could get through it and no one would ever know. They say hindsight is a wonderful thing, that's true. If I had known how bad it would get I would of taken any help at all, anything, anywhere, anytime, from anyone.
0 Comments
|
Darren EvansOn Feb 11th 2013 my life changed forever when I was diagnosed with a myxoid liposarcoma of the right thigh. This is my version of my life since then. Archives
June 2018
Categories
All
|