So I was flicking through Twitter not really reading it but scanning and I saw a tweet talking about Xmas number 1 and at first thought it was another campaign to stop The X Factor claiming it again but then I saw the name and I watched it. It is this song, the one below... I can't lie, there were a couple of tears watching it and I hope the following words explain why. This is a kind of difficult time of year for me, it has been since 2013 and I don't think it will ever change and although the reason for that may seem daft it is for me unfortunately just there and won't change.
I find this time of year difficult because there always seems to be a lot of reflection for me, I look to my past, my present and my future. Armistice day and Remembrance Sunday takes me back to my life in the Army and to my friends who are no longer here, I go back to the laughter and jokes, the good times and the bad ones, the memories are still as vivid as the day we made them. It was also this time in 2013 that I broke, when I couldn't take my thoughts anymore, when I lost myself and had to admit that, not just to myself but to others, and going back there can turn my thoughts dark again. It is also my birthday, and I think we all look at ourselves and our lives on that day, I turned 42 yesterday and the same thought I had last year and the year before and the year before that was back as I looked at my cards over a coffee. "What if this is my last birthday?" I don't know why and I know that I shouldn't have that worry, I'm "lucky", I'm NED, I'm heading to 6 month checks and there is no reason other than statistics to make me worry but I do. Its there and that leads me on to those tears because I have recently spoken with and heard the stories of others not in the same place as me. I have heard and read the words of them and the people who love them and as always their strength, dignity and love is inspirational. I am not in there situation and can never expect to understand how they feel I can only imagine, I hope I never know, I hope that those who love me never know it either but if they do the chances are a Hospice will be involved. I have only been in an Hospice once, to visit someone just before their fight ended, the part of this journey I can't allow myself to think or dwell on, that is embarrassing to admit because again I see the strength of the people who have to and I don't think I could be the same, not knowing what I know now about how I've coped so far. There is a moment in this video, a nurse sprays perfume onto a lady, she has I guess asked for it and I guess it makes her feel herself, normal, just for a second and I think that is such a touching moment but also a reminder that this is real and happening to real people, mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, husbands, wives, real people, real families and it reminds me how much I hate this fucking disease. From the moment Sarcoma, cancer, entered our lives our normal changed, it will never be the same again, our thoughts our hopes our dreams changed. Yes some of our hopes and dreams remain the same but I'm sure like mine some have changed beyond all recognition. I had to learn to accept that new normal, I wasn't exactly the same, I never would be but some things didn't change. I still love music, I still want more tattoos, I still want to visit Hawaii, I am still me. That is what I see in the lady with the perfume, I guess that is part of her from before, the person she was and still is, maybe that is the thing her loved ones think of when they think of her or what they will remember in the future. I may be wrong of course but I hope that no matter what happens in my future there are little things about me that bring a smile to the faces of those closest to me. I wish none of us had to see this new normal, that nobody ever had to support a loved one as they face it, I especially wish that those conversations I haven't had to have would never have to be had again. I wish we could beat this disease once and for all, for all of us, but unfortunately at the minute we can't so all I can do is wish as much love, happiness and peace as you can have no matter where you are right now on your journey. I am lucky, my worry has come and gone ( well not completely yet...) this weekend, others are not that lucky so if you can I guess maybe we should try and get this to the Christmas number one spot, let's raise some money so people can continue to be who they are, let's raise some awareness and get people talking about the part of cancer that doesn't make the adverts, their twitter page @ChoirLondon tells you how.
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Today has been a tough start to the week and tonight my head is spinning a little as I try and reign myself back in a bit. I could easily spiral tonight and the bottle of red in the rack is definitely looking at me..... My leg is sore, I'm exhausted but I can't turn my head off and it's telling me things again, it's trying to tell me to give up, to accept my fate, to accept that I won't make old bones. I'm not going to lie I've been thinking that, and just trying to accept it, trying to accept that it's only a matter of time until I have that discussion again. I opened up this page to get some thoughts out and try and process them, to stop me climbing down the rabbit hole. Whilst I was doing that I started thumbing through my phone at the photos and I came across one that actually made me smile. I didn't think I was in the mood but this one worked. My little Dalek! Charlie was playing in the dress up box just before Halloween and I snapped this as he worked through the costumes. Just as I thought my mood was crashing, this little man with his smile slowed me down. I started to think about photos and pictures, memories snapped in a moment, a piece of time, a piece of your life, something that mattered so much you wanted to record it. I have never deleted a photo, I save them all, I hoard memories because I cling to them when times are bad. Those good memories are what give me the strength to beat the bad times and photos are my keys to those memories. The one above for example, this was taken in 1994, actually July 1994, on Exercise Medicine Man 4 in Canada. That's me with my back to the camera holding the rifle and helmet, you can tell it's me by the ears! I love it because it was a snapshot of us all, we are all doing nothing in particular but the memories it evokes are still strong 21 years later. Gaz is holding court and probably crucifying someone with his sharp tongue and wit, Simon (HK) is laughing that kind of belly laugh you can't control, probably at Gaz, he had that affect. Myself and Paddy are listening, and hoping it's not our turn in the firing line next, we all had a turn believe me, John is smoking, he always was and Joe is just mooching about probably just trying to look busy so he wasn't given a job like cooking tea. We are all just so relaxed, we always were in each others company, that was created by the bond we had, but we also had so much fun that summer. Exploring Canada and it's bars, meeting the locals, seeing the country and just being young men. We had a song, of course we did, it was "Tell Laura I love her" and I can still hear Gaz starting it over the radio in the vehicle and everyone joining in, we all knew every word. I can remember a drunken karaoke in the gas lamp pub, I can remember a night under the stars freezing cold but laughing uncontrollably because we had cut the lining out of our suits to keep us cool and how stupid were we! That's what I mean, one photo leads to all those memories, good ones that make me smile, even now. Here is another one, it was take at Zizzi, Cardiff Bay. We went outside whilst everyone else waited for the food to come because Charlie was bored and Harry and Madison wanted to look over the water at the boats. I normally take the photos, I don't like having mine taken but as we were messing around and laughing it seemed like a perfect selfie moment! The photo I love, it's on the about me page of this blog, it captures that moment of laughter perfectly and it makes me smile every time I look at it. It also brings back other memories of Cardiff Bay, summer weekends, birthdays, nights out, I have so many good memories connected to there they are hard to list but they are all flooding back now, some of my most special memories are there and they can never be taken away, not by an illness, not by anything and that makes me smile too. I also have a weakness for those motivational pictures you find in the world of the internet and I saved a couple that I thought I could relate to. They are saved on my phone and if I'm honest I look at them as well when I get down and they lift me so I thought I would put them here too. It might give you a further look into my mind and help you understand me and maybe even other cancer patients or even yourself. This is me in a sentence, it really is. I have good intentions, I would do anything for the people I love, absolutely anything, whatever they ask but because of that people think I'm mad. I disagree there is nothing wrong in putting others before yourself, we have a duty to help whoever we can but true love is putting others before you and if that's crazy, well I guess I am f**king insane. I can't change who I am in that way and my heart is pure, when I love someone it is unconditionally. I don't say that I love lots of people because I don't, I like lots of people, I dislike a few too, but I love very few. The love I have and will always have is pure, my heart is pure and whatever and whenever they need they will only have to ask, as long as I breathe they only have to ask. This is also me, although I hate to lose, I absolutely detest it. I want to win in everything I do, I strive to win in everything I do and if I'm honest I go again and again until I win. That's the problem with how I deal with cancer, I know that the chances are that in the end I will lose to it, I can't stand that, I really can't and that is one of the causes of my mental health issues. I have to learn to accept that I can't get everything I want, that I will lose some things but I don't want to. See stubborn till the end that will be me, the most obstinate argumentative person it could of picked a fight with. I love this, it's true and it reflects my thoughts in relation to cancer. There were plenty of times I thought it was over and to just give up. I couldn't though because I thought of those I was fighting for, I still do now. When I just want to let it happen, or to just let my mind go back to how it was, to accept the depression, to accept the anxiety or to just give up all hope I think about why I have fought to get to here, this moment in time, the reasons I have for living and they pull me through, they give me that strength and I think of them until I know the moment has passed and I can go again. This is the last picture, really it is. I think we have all seen or heard it before along with "Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger". It's true though, bad things will happen, they always will and I'm learning now that the first two choices are not an option. Not whilst I am remembering why I held on... I will gain strength from this struggle, I think I already have. I've gone from a sobbing mess, to someone who couldn't face his illness, to depression, to finding a bit of me again, to speaking in public, to writing this blog. They are all signs I'm getting stronger I just hope I can continue to keep that strength. I'm going to finish this chapter on a song, no surprise there!! It's a song from Frank Turner, again no surprise, and it's about capturing those memories, those moments, those times we want to hold on to forever. There is a couple of lines I think are right for this chapter.. "In the stillness of the moment it takes for a Polaroid picture To capture our faces forever The world has turned a touch on it's axis And the only thing certain Is everything changes" Let go of the little distractions Hold close to the ones that you love Cause we won't all be here this time next year So while you can, take a picture of us So in the stillness of the moment Make sure you take a Polaroid picture And keep it with you forever To remind yourself that everything changes But there was this one time There was this one time When things were okay... There is nothing more I can add to that, please listen and enjoy. |
Darren EvansOn Feb 11th 2013 my life changed forever when I was diagnosed with a myxoid liposarcoma of the right thigh. This is my version of my life since then. Archives
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