I've not blogged in ages, it's been about 4 weeks I think, 4 weeks since I was given NED for another 4 months and the great news that if I stay clear for these next 4 months I can go to 6 monthly check ups. So why haven't I blogged? A question I asked myself earlier and that made me log in... These are photos of Ghent in Belgium, I've been there twice since my last blog and if I'm honest I've fallen a little bit in love with the place. It is absolutely stunning both day and night and have loved just walking around, looking at everything and I mean really looking, making memories in my mind just as I've talked of before. It's not been a sad set of memories with thoughts of illness coming back and stopping me seeing them again, they have been good memories, a sort of seeing something that filled me with wonder again, appreciating the little things without thinking of or linking them to illness. I've been all over since my last post, I have been to Ghent (twice), Frankfurt, Plymouth, Hull, Leeds and London. I have discovered Greenwich and what a lovely place that is, as well as locally brewed Meantime Lager I must add which has definitely become a bit of a favourite!! And that's what I mean, I have been so busy that at times Sarcoma and cancer have been pushed down in my mind. I'm not going to lie I have used this as a coping strategy before, it used to be my way of controlling the situation and I think there has been a touch of this again. I have had a lot on my mind recently, not all sarcoma related although some pain and twitching did get me thinking again but we can talk about that later, I mean other things, life things, happiness things, just getting by things. They are probably not that big a thing but they have been enough to get me thinking, to get my brain whirring, enough for them to mean I am keeping things to myself again, keeping worries and feelings inside and using work and life to keep me busy to stop thinking about them. I find it difficult to talk at the best of times, there are very few people I trust enough to talk to when I'm struggling and the problem is that they have their own problems and worries so I can't burden them with mine that's not fair. There has also been some distance created between me and them as well recently and that has made me close up again, I have struggled to talk or even want to talk so I started to bury it all inside again. The triggers have gone off unaided though this time and I have realised what I am doing so I made a conscious effort to stop that as soon as I saw it happening and realised what I'm doing. I have to say poor old Nicola, she only came in to see how I was at my last check and ended up sat in a room chatting with me for ages, listening to all my worries and fears, if you read this Nic and I know you do sometimes lol, thanks you really helped me! I can't say enough how many times Nicola has brought me back from inside me, I thought she was only going to be there during my treatment but no here she is, still listening to me moaning, still trying to get me to face what I'm scared of and giving me options, ways of solving things and showing just how important a CNS is, at diagnosis, through treatment and way beyond. They know how much this will change you, not just as a cancer patient but as a person and those changes will last a lifetime. In my case I think the change is a case of being scared and that in turn causes overthinking, of wanting to solve it all instead of just going with it and that has now overlapped into my way of thinking about everything not just cancer and at times that makes life hard, very hard. Fear is my problem, it is stopping me getting where I want to be. I am so concerned about my future that I forget about the here and now sometimes. I am so desperate to have the future I want, the happiness I want, the life I want because I'm scared that if I don't sarcoma will stop me, if I don't have plans and try to make them happen then sarcoma will take the opportunity away. I am so scared of my past and letting go sometimes that I may not get that future if I don't deal with me so it's not sarcoma taking that opportunity that future away but myself. All of this stops me being here right now, in the present, and that is what mindfulness was supposed to teach me. I guess I do when I am making the memories in my mind but I don't just let the dice roll anymore, I miss that part of me, and again I said it here and before that cancer takes away certain parts of us and unfortunately for me that was one of the bits of me it took.
So what's this post all about? I guess for me it's about normality starting to come back, after 3 years and 1 month I am starting to worry about other things than cancer again, I know I'm not dealing with those worries and decisions well, I'm dealing with them as I did with the other thing that scared me most, I'm burying them deep inside and hiding by staying busy, but I am worrying about them and yes I have recognised what I am doing so I know I need to deal with it. I guess its saying that after a period of time, for me anyway, the thoughts of cancer are still there and for me it is still nearly everyday, but they are now sometimes not the most scary thoughts, not the thoughts that make me sad, at the minute its thoughts and decisions on other things doing that so whilst cancer is still there in my mind it's not the only thing anymore, life normal life is getting in the way and if I'm honest deep down that pleases me a little bit....
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Darren EvansOn Feb 11th 2013 my life changed forever when I was diagnosed with a myxoid liposarcoma of the right thigh. This is my version of my life since then. Archives
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