I recognise the symptoms now, I know how they feel, I know that I'm feeling them. Sleep is difficult, the extra beer to finish off the night is easy, the thoughts are getting darker, the lethargy is growing and the ability to talk about it is nowhere to be seen. Who do you talk to when you're not sure you should talk? Who's time am I going to waste as all of this should be behind me now according to most people? Where do you turn when you don't want to turn to anyone, I hate it when my brain gets like this. Again I know that I am luckier than most, I'm not still going through it, I haven't been told there is nothing they can do, I'm NED and going for a check up but that age old fear has found its way back in and again I'm struggling to cope with my feelings. I am terrified, absolutely fucking terrified that this is the time my "luck" runs out and if you have read the other chapters you will know I don't even believe in luck. Anniversaries are always difficult, first check up, 1 year, 2 years even 3, moving to 4 monthly check ups, moving to 6 monthly check ups, significant milestones I have passed already but this is a really big one, 5 years, 5 years, the one that I never thought I would get to and now the one I'm convincing myself is going to go wrong and that is destroying me, I was sure I had a handle on this now but again it seems I haven't and I'm embarrassed of once again being a failure. When I look back on my life, the things I did, the places I went as a soldier, from accidentally driving through a minefield to jumping from helicopters, when I changed my travel plans at the last minute and missed the Brussels Airport incident by hours, near misses whilst driving, near misses whilst walking, I never feel fear but when I think that I had cancer the same old fears keep coming back. Still my biggest fear is leaving the ones I love and who love me, not being there with them and missing the important things. With that comes guilt, guilt that some of my best friends don't get another day with their families and I do, guilt that others are facing that pain and fear right now and I'm not so I shouldn't be worried, guilt that others face this without moaning and I let myself down by moaning and then guilt that my loved ones will be heartbroken if I wasn't here and I'm the one who makes things right when they are down so who would make it right if I caused that pain? Then the last guilt, the one where I can't talk to them because I'm scared of looking weak or upsetting them, that's the one tearing me up right now more than anything. I'll get through this I know I will, I'll deal with it as I always do by working it out in my mind and going through my coping strategies, in other words being so busy I can't think and maybe a glass of wine to sleep. Then little by little I'll get to Monday 11th at 2pm and I'll go through my routine as I always do. I never used to wish time away but today I'd happily lose next week just to get to a point where the worrying goes away. I've written a lot about music and the songs that stick with points in time and how I use music to highlight the good and the bad times and this one is where I am right now, it sort of sums up my mood. I want to get to that bit of my mind and heart where the fear and guilt leaves for a while and I'm me again.
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Darren EvansOn Feb 11th 2013 my life changed forever when I was diagnosed with a myxoid liposarcoma of the right thigh. This is my version of my life since then. Archives
June 2018
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