Well Monday was a good day. It was a very good day. Monday I got to 27 months, that's 2 years and 3 months or 116 weeks since I went into remission, and I'm still in it. I've been moved out to 4 monthly checks for the next year and then it will be assessed again after that. That means it will be February before I have to walk into oncology outpatients again, February before I have to sit watching the people around me, February before the scanxiety will build again. February when I have the chance of someone telling me I have cancer. It may sound like I'm celebrating, I'm not, not really anyway, I'm relieved more than anything, relief that for the next couple of months I will be able to control my fears a bit easier, that I will hopefully not think of a recurrence as much as I did over the last 3 months, that I won't see a date in my diary that makes my heart beat faster for a month longer. As time goes on the start of my scanxiety is later and closer to my appointment. There are still days I think about me having this illness, in fact everyday I think about cancer in one way or another, but the fear isn't there everyday. Well not full blown fear but some, the thoughts are always when I see or read something, I see someone has died or someone has been diagnosed and I feel for them to the bottom of my heart and then I'm thankful, I'm here, I have another day to live and another dream to chase. I still feel love in my heart, I still see a future, I still see happiness and that makes me grateful, that makes me thankful I got another chance. Monday was also a good day for me in that I managed to control my scanxiety to some extent, I wasn't crippled with fear from the moment I woke up. I managed to keep it under enough control to do a little work before I went to hospital. I started to build in the hospital car park though but my mind was able to go elsewhere, to think on happy times, my brain went to holidays to come, of memories yet to create, my loved ones, my friends, the people who mean a lot to me. On another side I have read and seen some stories and posts of people who haven't had a good week like me. I see some are worried about possible recurrences and some have lost their fight. My thoughts have been with those people as well this week, them and the people who love them. I really do wish all the positivity I can to those suffering and I wish love and peace to all that are grieving. People sometimes forget that the people who love us, the members of the cancer club, have worries too. They worry about our futures, about whether we will be here or how they can help us if we get ill again. That's a tough thing, a really tough thing for them and all we can do is tell them that by just being there for us they are doing all we need. They give us love and that gives us strength, that strength gives us fight, and that fight will always give us hope. I've also seen a story this week of strength and hope doing a wonderful thing in the face of sarcoma, it was the story of Carey Lander of the band Camera Obscura. Through what she faced and by doing what she and her friends and loved ones could they have made great leaps in awareness of sarcoma this week. She raised so much money for research as well but just to see social media, newspapers and even the BBC website discussing sarcoma it gives me hope that we can start to raise awareness. Raise it to a level that people do know what sarcoma is, and of course help those who can to donate to further research into a cure. That brings a better future for us all. It was the future that had been my problem, the fact that I had lost control meant I couldn't face thinking about it but now my brain will go there and enjoys it. I can try to look to my future and the fear of not being there for it is not as strong as it was. If I'm honest it all comes down to the realization that "It may not be cancer that kills me!" My best friend is currently in a coma, he's been in it since May after a motorbike accident. He had been in remission from Hodgkins Lymphoma for a few months and was chasing life like he always had and then....that! It helped me see that I can worry about cancer and a recurrence, I've had sarcoma it is a real possibility, but I could also be in a car crash or some other random event. By fixating my worries on one I have forgotten the others, I've also forgotten that there is a life to live. You can see how big a difference that is to my early thoughts, my story chapters have started to tell you how I started to climb out of that hole but there is still more to come, still chapters to tell about the people and experiences that helped me get to this place. So that's it really for this chapter, a short and sweet one, it's back to the story for the next one but for now I'll dream, I'll dream of a future, a future of a cancer free life, a life of love and good times, because if we forget to live and experience the good times well why did we fight at all? If you want to give to Carey's justgiving page here it is https://www.justgiving.com/Carey-Lander and here's a link to some of her music because it's the memories and legacies we leave that are our footprints in the sand of time.......
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Darren EvansOn Feb 11th 2013 my life changed forever when I was diagnosed with a myxoid liposarcoma of the right thigh. This is my version of my life since then. Archives
June 2018
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