It's here again already, it's been 3 months and tomorrow I will make the trip to Nottingham and City Hospital for my check up. It's a big one for me. a real big one, at my last appointment Dr Esler said she was really happy with me and after tomorrow's appointment with the plastics team I can move out to 4 monthly checks for the next year and that makes my next appointment in February. Why is this big in my mind? I'll share that now....
Firstly the move to 4 monthly for me feels like a big punch being thrown by me at cancer, it's a big step in my journey both mentally and emotionally. Since I went into remission I have at times wished time and my life away, I have wished whole years away as I wanted to be at 10 years and have no more appointments, discharged from oncology outpatients and then to be a true survivor. People say to me "you should be pleased, you get regular checks and if they find anything it's only been 3 months and they can treat it better" and I understand that logic I really do. Unfortunately my thought and my response has always been "Yes, I agree, but they are checking me more regularly because there is a higher chance of recurrence at this time" and that is why the move out to 4 months is a big step. Mentally it starts to reinforce my positive thoughts, it strengthens my mental state as I now have that first step down in probability of recurrence. It's a small step down but by moving me to 4 month gaps means that they are happy to leave me a bit longer and that's a great feeling. Emotionally, yes that's improved because of my mental state but also it means there will be one less build up to a check up this year. One less time to feel the nervousness I feel tonight, one less time to feel alone, to feel that I need people around me but actually I won't talk to . Tonight is a difficult one emotionally because I am deep down feeling good about tomorrow but even just writing that is starting the little piece of my brain that is saying "DO NOT TEMPT FATE", it's not even whispering it's screaming at me and I'm fighting to leave it in because if I go tomorrow and it goes wrong......well I'll blame me for writing that although I know it really will have nothing to do with it, nothing at all. That's tonight's conflict in my head, I feel comfortable but I'm scared that feeling comfortable is wrong and what a feeling it is!! I sit and relax and then the panic builds, I concentrate think logically the panic subsides, I relax the panic builds, it's been back and forth, back and forth since this morning. I determined not to give in though, I will keep trying to remain positive this evening and night. I can't see me sleeping much, in fact I will probably sleep very little so this battle will rage for sometime yet so it's a good job my sky planner is full! I must admit the thought of the next check up being in February is still a bit of a worry, only because of me and and superstition. Like I said I do have a logical brain, I'm an engineer, but I still won't wear certain clothes or jewelry to my check ups because it was what I was wearing when I got diagnosed. That's where the problem with February lies, it was when I got diagnosed, so my head will make a new worry and will try and connect the dots so to speak. That's when the CBT and mindfulness will come into their own as I try to break that connection, that will be what I will work on over the next 4 months, to stop that superstition and that fear from forming. It would be easy to go to a dark place tonight but when I think of what the last 3 months have given me in my journey, they are 3 months that have given me hope and strength. It's been just over 3 months since I started writing this blog, that in itself has lifted me so much. It has helped me to start to make sense of how I felt back then, I have been able to look at that time and see just how low I was and why I felt that way. I understand now that it was the lack of control that caused my problems, I understand I'm not alone in that, people have messaged me since I wrote this blog and told me that was what they struggled with. In fact I have had some great responses to this blog and have started speaking to new people, I've really started to become involved in the Sarcoma community, I have plans to attend a support group and meet some people who have been very supportive of the blog. I've applied to be a Sarcoma voice, which for someone who could never even look at the Sarcoma UK website before is a huge step. I've now worn out 2 Sarcoma UK wristbands because I wear it all the time, I have talked to people who are where I was 2 and 1/2 years ago and hope that I helped in someway. Please don't get me wrong I am still petrified of a recurrence and the thought of dying and leaving behind the people I love when I have so much more love to give them and a future to enjoy can cripple me, it can truly still stop me dead in my tracks but I can also bring myself back from that brink. Time has also been a big help, I was told by Nicola once that it would get easier in time, I laughed because I didn't think it ever could. Again it's not easy, no where near but it definitely is better than it was and I can only guess it will get better as more time passes. I guess I'm saying that if you are reading this and you are in a bad place then please don't give up there will be a better time, really there will and if you are further along the journey than me and you can tell me that it does get better or even if you have to tell me that it doesn't then please drop me an email or a tweet I'd love to talk about it. Whilst I'm writing this I'm watching the England match from last night from my planner and the commentator has just said "England's next world cup participation will now be in 2019". I can remember thinking I would never get to see this world cup, I honestly didn't think I would get to see it at one time and that one sentence has got me thinking on whether I will see the next one? That's 4 years, I will be on annual check ups then if all goes to plan and I would be 6 years in remission. I wonder what else will be different them? What dreams and ambitions would I have fulfilled? What disappointments would life had given me? All I can truly hope for is that when it comes I am healthy, still cancer free, happy with where my life is and still dreaming of what I have to come.
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Darren EvansOn Feb 11th 2013 my life changed forever when I was diagnosed with a myxoid liposarcoma of the right thigh. This is my version of my life since then. Archives
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