What a week it's been. Seriously what a week. I have been juggling so many balls and having so many thoughts I am not going to be critical of myself for allowing myself to go backwards a bit and to struggle with thoughts and feelings I haven't had in a while.
I have been deciding on whether to move to a new job and the stress that gave to me has been huge, it's no wonder I haven't changed jobs very often (nearly 8 years at this one..) because as you can see in this blog change that takes me out of my comfort zone can be unsettling for me and whilst I am choosing to move on this time and that is in my control, I would be moving to somewhere new and I have no real control over what that place will be like.. It's that control thing again, controlling my destiny, my life, what I can do. I know I can't control what others think and do, I can't control every situation but I do like to feel like my decisions are what affects my life because it's my life and no one else's. That's why joining this club and getting on this ride have been difficult because I didn't choose it, none of us did, no matter what people like Noel Edmonds and others say (but more of that another time), but because I can't and will never be able to control what happens to me regarding sarcoma. Last weekend was not great I admit that, last weekend was pretty shit regarding how I felt. Monday was looming, looming large. It would be exactly 3 years since I had the surgery that took the tumour, cancer, out of my leg but not out of my life. The 13th of June, a date that I won't ever forget, so there it was check up day, the possibilty of moving to 6 monthly checks and it was on the actual 3rd anniversary of my surgery. That was just way too much for my brain to cope with and last sunday I just processed it over and over, literally, it took my mind of everything else but put it squarely back into worrying about recurrences. For some reason I think anniversaries are the time it is most likely to be a recurrence, is that odd? I really don't know if that is a common thing or not. If you are currently NED or in remission does it affect you like that? I would love to know, really I would, because since I started this blog I have found out that a lot of how I think and feel is quite common, I'm not alone in it, but this particular quirk I'm not sure if it is just me? Monday morning came and as always I slipped right into check up day routine, I was distant and quiet, my thoughts elsewhere. I wanted to get to the hospital quickly bit at the same time started looking for reasons to delay heading off. I didn't really speak a lot and had my game face on, just get it done, just get it done, over and over in my thoughts. Heading up I put my music on in the car and my mind drifted away, not really thinking of anyone, banal thoughts, just thoughts to take my mind off where I was headed. Parked up headed in, timings perfect, in to X-ray, at the reception and.... "No, sorry you aren't scheduled for an x-ray today", Yes I am, it's my check up day, I'm in clinic in an hour, I always have an x-ray. "Nope, nothing here, you best go to oncology and check.." Routine changed, problems, why has it changed? Maybe they just forgot. After 3 years of this they wouldn't have forgot. Why is it not booked. Have I got my day wrong? Did I miss a check? Shit, I've missed it, what happens now..? All whirring around my mind as I headed to oncology outpatients, having to go in here before I needed to wasn't helping either, I don't like it in there, why would I, why would anyone? "Hi ya Darren, how are you?" Err not great, I haven't got a chest x-ray booked, is there something I've missed? "Let me look, oh no, nothing to worry about it's just been forgotten, take a slow walk back and it will be ready" It's no ones fault, its not really a problem I guess, its just one of those things, but for me on this day my routine changing isn't great, not when I am already struggling, I've talked before I am a creature of routine, change isn't always welcome.. By the time I got back it was there, I was in and out in 5 minutes, then sat at my seat in the WRVS with my cup of tea and my thoughts. If anything the distration of the return to x-ray reduced sitting and waitting time and I was soon heading back down the corridor and checking in for the second time. It was so quiet in here today... That was my thought, oncology outpatients was very quiet, I liked it and not because it meant I may be in and out quickly but because I said to myself "Its quiet because maybe this week not many people have got cancer, that's good". That is honestly what I thought, Monday was my diagnosis day so for some reason I always think every one gets told on a Monday, I knwo they don't but in my head they do. So I sat there actually happy because it meant that not a lot of people would have to have that conversation today, there wouldn't be many tears today, lives wouldn't be changed forever, there wasn't many people here so cancer was having a break and giving people a break at the same time. I wish oncolgy was always quiet, I wish it was always empty, hopefully one day it will be. Into the room I went, on time, that really is a first, "doctor will be with you shortly", thanks see ya. Alone. Heart beating now, stomach churning, fidgeting, tapping, cheels puffing, "come on, come on". I heard voices in the next room, in the office but between the two consultation rooms, I didn't hear much but what I did was one sentence, and what a sentence it was.. Again it's no ones fault, I'm sat alone in a consultation room so no I am not making much noise, the waiting room is quiet so there is no background noise, and a flimsy door and some plasterboard can't contain everything. Bearing in mind I have just said how quiet it is and I don't think anyone else has been called into the other room you will hopefully understand why I crumbled. "I would recommend a needle biopsy" That is what I heard, the eact words, no more no less. "Oh my f**king life, they found something, the x-ray has shown something, f**k, it's in my lungs, how big is it that they can get a needle into it, f**k, they did that last time, f**k, it's back, I f**king knew it". Please excuse the language but that was my exact thoughts, I'm not an angel, I have a bad mouth sometimes, under stress normally and my stress levels had just gone through the roof! I felt sick to my stomach, my head was thinking "how do I tell everyone? Not again, I don't want to do this again" The door opened and I was waiting for the masses, the doctor, Nicola and whoever else would be needed, they would all be there to give me the bad news. Instead it was just the registrar, alone. That's odd, where is everyone? "Hi Darren, sorry about the x-ray confusion, I've had a look and without waiting for the consultant's report it looks fine" I don't knwo if I was confused or relieved, it wasn't me, thank god for that, f**k that's bad news for someone though, sh*t I feel for them, I hope it works out for them. My lungs were clear though and after my physical check my leg, stomach and lymph nodes had no lumps either, it was good, I had done it, 3 years, 3 years since I had cancer, 3 years NED, 3 years I had got to 3 years and that meant 6 month check ups. In my darkest days, at diagnosis, during treatment, when my mental health was close to breaking, this was my target, this was my fixed point. I couldn't think of 5 years and definitely not 10 years but getting to this point was where I put my target and I had got here, f**k sarcoma, I had got here. I made my next 2 appointments with a smile. This year I only have to do this twice. This year tehy will only check me twice becacuse there is less chance of my cancer coming back, That is a wonderful thing to write. I won't lie, there were tears when I sat in my car, not many, just some, no one could see me, no one could hear me so they came, relief came in my tears, I had reached something massive, something I thought I would never reach I had. The relief gave me the crash it always does on Monday night and I slept, I slept without a care, everything else could wait again, I needed sleep and tonight I would get it. Tuesday the other stresses came back but I dealt with them differently than I thought I would. I am supposed to be moving to a new job now but there was some clauses and problems with my old contract and I needed to clear some things up before I could. I asked for a delay but instead got what felt like bullied into trying to make me accept some one elses way of thinking and doing what they wanted. I had never done that before cancer but had lost some confidence since, I felt like agreeing to what they wanted until something happened in my mind, I told myself "you have just reached 3 years, you have made it this far, you have to take your life back, you have to consider your long term future now, you have to do what is right for you, and being bullied isn't something you have ever accepted so don't start now. I didn't, I turned them down. I'm sure there may be some come back off it but this week has reminded me that I do have a future, I am lucky enough to have a future to plan for, other's are not so lucky so I better make the most of mine I owe myself that much. My mood hasn't completely lifted yet because there has been lots of change this week and like I said I don't do change well and I'm not fully in control of my life again yet, I know I never will fully but I can get to a level I'm comfortable with and in a way, life, life that doesn't involve worrying about cancer, normal work and life worries giving me stress is a good thing, it means that cancer isn't the biggest worry in my life anymore. So here I am again, Sunday night, yes I have a bottle of beer on the side but it's only one bottle, not like last weekend. Today was Father's day and I had the whole day with my 3, it's been a bit of a day, they made me laugh, they wound me up, they were cheeky but they also gave me the biggest cuddle this morning and that was why I write this, why I continue to try and deal with what has happened and what might yet happen again, because one day I want them to see this, to read this and understand who there Dad was and why he was like he was, why he had to see the Doctor, why he had a poorly leg, but most importantly in time I want them to know that Dad had cancer and that he beat it, he beat it for them.
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Darren EvansOn Feb 11th 2013 my life changed forever when I was diagnosed with a myxoid liposarcoma of the right thigh. This is my version of my life since then. Archives
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