Today was my 41st birthday. How did that happen? How did I get to 41 years old? I can't be, What's the story morning glory by Oasis was released just before I was 21 and that can't be 20 years ago... Oh wait, it was. I'm messing around I know how old I am but when someone said to me this morning "41 eh? you're getting old" I smiled and I smiled because I am truly happy to be turning 41.
It wasn't long ago I honestly could not see me reaching today, in fact I couldn't see me getting to 40 at one point, but now I pass another birthday and I pass another milestone as I move further away from my diagnosis and treatment. The further away I move the less chance I have of it coming back, I know that's not completely true but it's the way my mind still works. I did have a wobble today, at lunchtime the thought of this being my last birthday popped into my head. I was thinking about what to spend some of the money I was given on and I just thought "what if this is your last birthday, what would you want to do with it?" As soon as that thought came in, I decided to take it on. Not today would I allow myself to give in to that, no way. I have no idea if this will be my last one, why would I even think it? I have been making plans for my future, I will not let myself break them. Yeah, I could get a recurrence but I could also get hit by a car. Both are possibilities, if I'm honest I don't know what one is more likely statistically, I don't want to know, but both have consequences and both could kill me. Again I don't know what one is more likely statistically to kill me and again I don't want to know. It does raise a question in me though, a question which does have some logic and reason behind it I suppose. Why do I worry every day that my cancer may come back, yet with the amount of travelling I do and the amount of times I cross a road in a day why do I not worry about car crashes or getting knocked over every day? I know why, it's because I understand that I have so much less control over whether my cancer can come back compared to the others. If I use the green cross code, I use a zebra crossing, I drive carefully and am aware of my surroundings I have some influence over whether I have an accident and the subsequent consequences. It's because of that I don't worry about them every day, I don't even think about them most days. I do though have no influence over whether my cancer comes back so I worry about it, I worry about it every day, that's just me. I know there are lots of poems and inspirational messages that say we shouldn't worry about the things we can't control, we should accept them. If we can learn to do that our lives will be so much better. I can't do that, I really can't. I've always had problems with dealing with things outside of my control but the thing that I can't control and could take me away from the people I love...I am always going to worry about, it's just about learning to manage that worry. That is the fear management I talked about in the last chapter. Today it was easy, today was a day of positivity, it has to be it's my birthday, so I had a strong base to build on as I dealt with the fear. It's not always that easy but today has helped me by giving me another marker, another step completed and another small victory like the ones I talked about at the start of the blog. So that's it for today, a short one, I know I can't believe it either! You won't need a cup of tea and preparation for this one! I just wanted to write down how I felt, how today I managed to control my fear quickly. It gives me something to read when I have one of the days it becomes a bit more difficult to control it. There will be more of those days, I know there will but now I have a chapter to read where I still looked to the future even when I started to panic. A chapter where I managed the fear and managed to think about the future even when the worries built. Oh and yes I forgot, I decided to spend it on some new tattoos and a special birthday tea of pizza.
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Darren EvansOn Feb 11th 2013 my life changed forever when I was diagnosed with a myxoid liposarcoma of the right thigh. This is my version of my life since then. Archives
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