I've had a bit of a bad weekend, in fact in my head it's been a shitty weekend. This weekend my brain has beaten me, it's give me in no uncertain terms a bit of a kicking and no matter what I've tried I haven't been able to hit it back. I did recognise the triggers building and starting over the last week or so, I've been working long hours, not sleeping, eating badly and thinking about cancer, a lot. Yeah, it's only been a fortnight since my last "all good at the minute" and I published a blog about Steve which was positive but for some reason the doubts and fears started creeping in yesterday morning. I was talking to someone and they said "yeah but the next big one is 50, can you imagine being 50?' I laughed but as I walked away my brain said "you won't make 50 Daz". That was it, it was there, it popped in and dug it's fingers in. It kept repeating itself so I went into CBT mode and thought about that, I thought about what it meant, what not being here in 10 years time would mean. I'd say what it meant for me but it wouldn't mean anything for me, I wouldn't be here, so I thought what it would mean to the people I love and who love me. See that still remains my weak spot, the guilt at leaving those people, the guilt at not being there to pick them up, the guilt of them grieving, the guilt of not having more time with them. That's what gets me, guilt. I went through my CBT techniques, I thought about it, I thought about it hard, my body can't stay scared forever. it will pass, just feel it, think about it...F**k it, no way, I bottled it, I stopped, it was too much. Then I got angry with myself, I had let it in, couldn't face it and then I knew I was in for a bad one. I didn't want to tell anyone how I was feeling, I mean no one, not even those I turn to without fail, they have enough on without me having a collapse. I just haven't found a way to say it's been a bad one properly and yet here I am writing it down. I've felt alone, it's no one's fault and I blame no one, it's been me fighting with myself again and I have been losing. I'm embarrassed as well, I've been so positive recently, I've tried to not let this get to me but just one sentence has. I've struggled to talk about it as well, I wanted to but I stopped myself from telling anyone, I thought I could deal with it alone and I can't. I thought about phoning Macmillan yesterday afternoon for a chat, just to get it off my chest, but then I felt that they have people a lot worse off than me to speak to so I didn't. I just sat and stewed a little, locked away in my own thoughts and fears, fighting my own brain in the "will I make 50 argument". It carried on through the night and sleep was fitful which has made today another long one, I watched my son play football today but can't tell you much about the game, my thoughts were about will I see him grow to be a man, will I walk my daughter down the aisle, will I be there when my youngest son leaves school? Now I know moping about this is pointless and I'm lucky because for some even considering this is not even an option but that hasn't lessened it, if anything it makes it worse because I'm embarrassed by myself and angry too. I have people that love me, I am in remission, I have plans for my future I should not feel this way. I've tried mindfulness as well, today I've had a couple of tries but I just can't seem to clear my thoughts to get to the right place. I listened to some of the songs that get me there and that hasn't helped either, I've explained before that when I use mindfulness I normally end up stood in the ocean, arms wide, looking at the horizon, bobbing in the waves and this song "Waves" by Mr Probz helps me. I discovered it last year and right away it got me, it resonated with me but today even this just didn't relaxed me. I haven't given up though, I've kept going at it tonight, I've kept working at it, mindfullness followed by CBT followed by just trying to be positive. It's working, slowly it's working, I'm looking at the future, I'm planning it in my head, I dreamt about my future last night, one was a horrible dream but one was fantastic. That's how I know it's getting better because before I wouldn't have had the fantastic one, just the bad one and it would of kept me up all night.
Now please don't think this is a post full of self pity, it's not, it's me trying to make sense of my brain, about how a sentence can open this box of worms. If I'm honest I don't know how it did other than maybe the triggers built and built until anything would of started it. I will say writing it down has helped, just writing it I'm seeing the pattern again and I'm also seeing that if I don't give up I can control it again. I have some time with the those closest to me, with those I love this week, seeing them and spending time with them will also help. It's that time that reminds me I can't give up on my future, it's too good to give up on and that's what will focus me, will drive me, will stop these bloody thoughts. I also wanted to write this because I have spoken with someone this week struggling with these sorts of thoughts and I felt for them. They aren't near where I am yet in their journey and they thought they were alone in feeling that way, thought they were going mad and hopefully this will show them that we all get these thoughts from time to time. If you don't I take my hat off to you, but I'd guess you do, you know you do. And if you are also having these thoughts, you aren't alone, you really aren't. Whilst I've been writing this I've had Russell Howard's good news on in the background and I've just seen him interview a remarkable woman. Kris Hallenga has just won a woman of the year award for her coppafeel charity and listening to her speak and then reading her webpage has just humbled and reminded me how f**king lucky I am. Sorry for the bad language I do sometimes swear a lot, it's a hangover from my army days, I'll try and stop. Anyway just listening to her and reading her has made me have another go at CBT, it's helped. I'm worrying about things in remission and she takes on the world. I don't use words like legend or inspiration very often, they get a lot of over use at the minute in the media, but this woman is both. Please read her story, here it is... http://coppafeel.org/kris-story/ So, thinking about it, yes it's been a shitty weekend, sorry for that, but I'm still here and I still have a future, I don't know how long it is but let's be honest do any of us really know that, I'm just going to aim to make 50, to smile when I get there and then look to the next milestone. I'm not over this yet, no I'm not, but I've had another reminder that I'm lucky, really lucky and I can't let this build to this point if I can help it. Another week starts tomorrow, another chance to stop work taking over my life, to eat better again, to sleep more and spend more time with those I love. So come on Monday do your worst because at the end of the day I'm grateful to have another Monday, some people won't.
2 Comments
Tricia Moate
28/10/2015 12:20:31 am
Thank you for writing about this and how you are feeling. It really reverberated with me. Once sarcoma enters our lives I feel we constantly having to live with two aspects, hope and fear. The fear is of recurrence and not enough is spoken about this. It's a huge fear and I don't think it is possible to eradicate it not if you are a sentient human being. Seemingly mundane things can flash up the fear, for example I remember seeing an elderly couple going around Sainsburys together and I thought that was not going to be possible for my husband and I and I was overwhelmed with sadness and anxiety. As you say the moment passes as it is not possible to continuously experience that level of emotion, but it's perfectly normal to have these feelings. One book that really helped me was by an American doctor Dr Jerome Groopman The Anatomy of Hope.
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Darren
28/10/2015 09:55:45 am
Thanks for the comment Tricia, and yes that fear is always there at some level. For me it's a case of managing it as best I can but there are times it sneaks up on me or other times like this when it just punches me in the face so to speak! I will take your recommendation on the book and read it. Thanks again Tricia.
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Darren EvansOn Feb 11th 2013 my life changed forever when I was diagnosed with a myxoid liposarcoma of the right thigh. This is my version of my life since then. Archives
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