This is my favourite song of all time, I first heard it just after a mate of mine had died in a climbing accident on Mount Snowdon, the cancer bit of it never really came into my head really, the wanting to live, the dancing for them when they had gone and really enjoying life did. I took this to heart when Mac died, we had served together and a man who enjoyed life more you would never have met. Then it came on the car stereo the morning after my diagnosis as I took the kids to school and I heard the words in a completely different way. I couldn't listen to it, I loved this song but I couldn't listen to it and that really was the start of my "issues". To get there I need to go back again to my diagnosis day, the one in the previous chapter. Is that what you call it in a blog? I will for now until someone tells me anyway!
From the hospital I went straight to where my eldest son was playing football, he had been offered his first contract by Derby County the previous august when he was just 7 years old. The pride on his face that night was a wonderful thing, he was determined to make it to the academy and the first team and that night as he got close to his official contract signing he was playing with the smile everyone knew. I walked onto the balcony in a bit of a state of shock, the first parent I saw looked at me and asked "you ok?". My answer "No, I've just been told I got cancer". Now everyone who has ever said that sentence knows the look that you get, the one with the slightly tilted head and look of concern with the eyes saying "God, what do I say to him / her?". Then comes "you've got to stay positive, that's really important". I got both of those and then a couple others did the same. It was really uncomfortable, for us all I think. I made an excuse about fresh air, walked out, came back in and stood at the end by myself. I didn't really want anyone with me in all honestly. I stood on the balcony and watched him play for about an hour, he had such a big grin on his face, he was truly happy. Inside I was in turmoil, in the car park at the training ground we discussed it and decided the kids were not to know, at no cost and I knew when I saw that smile that was the right choice. They did not need to know unless they really needed to, and that was a decision that would be made on the outcome of the chest x-ray results. I took him home that night to my in-laws house where we were staying at the time, I even cooked tea, home made burgers, sausages, wedges and salad. I can't believe I remember that but at the same time I can because of the atmosphere. Everyone ate, chatted, laughed around me, doing the normal things for the kids and I just sat and pushed food around my plate. After they finished eating I went to the bathroom, I pushed the door closed and the whole day came out. I sobbed, not cried, sobbed. Then I stood in front of the mirror, looked my self in the eye, washed my face and went out and got my kids ready for bed. A little while later the eldest two had gone to bed and I gave my 2 month old son his bottle, it was just me and him, and I promised him I would never give up, never. I had taken the other two to nursery and school on their first days and I would do the same for him, I would see them married, have kids, live their dreams. I told him over and over. I don't know if I really believed it, deep down I knew this wasn't a straight fight, I had lost control and I didn't know what I was fighting yet, for the time being anyway. I could promise though that I would fight, this thing had picked the most stubborn, obstinate and determined person to pick a fight with. I was a soldier for 10 years, I have never backed down from a fight. I didn't sleep that night but that was no surprise. I kept getting up, walking around, watching bad television, do you know what sort of crap Sky has on at 3.30 am? I do now. All I could think is "I've got cancer, what if it is in my lungs? will I die? what does death feel like? who will look after my family? They all come to me when their upset so who will they go to when I'm not here? I felt guilty, I was going to cause them all this pain and I couldn't take it away." This was all cut with "I will beat this, yes I will, they have made great advances in treatment, I'm in for surgery next week, once it's out it's out, surgery and radiotherapy not a problem." I think I slept a little in the end, just an hour or so, the super juicer 3000 + or whatever it was advert did it for me and I finally let my brain shut down and try to recover from the hammering it had had all day. When I woke, for just a second, I didn't think, and then my first thought of the day was "I've got cancer" and off my brain went again in every possible direction it could. I showered, rubbing my leg and looking at my lump with real hatred, if I could of ripped it out I would of there and then, but I had jobs to do and the kids needed to get to school. They were their normal selves, didn't want to get ready, arguing over who sits where for breakfast. The normality was soothing and again I got a respite as I just did the simple jobs that needed doing and then we got in the car. The engine and the iPod started and coincidentally my favourite song came on and I realized I couldn't listen to it, I just couldn't. That song plays another key part in my journey and I'll talk about it again later, but please just click and enjoy it, it's a brilliant song from a brilliant artist and is still now my favourite ever song.
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Darren EvansOn Feb 11th 2013 my life changed forever when I was diagnosed with a myxoid liposarcoma of the right thigh. This is my version of my life since then. Archives
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