So there I was officially cancer free and in remission, it was time for me to put all this behind me, look to the future with a new positive outlook on life and never think about cancer again. It was official my life was back to normal. Yeah ok, if only it had been that easy!
I managed to start just as I was supposed to, I was positive, I had a second chance at life, life was for living, I was going to savour every moment and seize the day. I really believed that and wanted it to be the case, there was still one problem, I still couldn't talk about cancer. I still had a lot of feelings and worries that were bottled up inside and they were just there, brewing, every now and then coming to the surface and then I would push them back down again. I would still change the TV channel if an advert for Macmillan or Cancer Research came on, and at the time there was a storyline in Coronation Street about a character who was dying of cancer. I watched about 2 minutes of one episode and this character was talking about the fear they felt and the guilt of leaving people behind, this hit me like a train, it sucked the wind out of me and sent me into a panic. This person was talking about the things in my head, it was what I was thinking and I didn't want to, I left the room and would never be in the room when it was on, I couldn't watch that, I mean if my cancer came back that could be me. It was difficult because everyone I saw and spoke with, all the family, all my friends all said the same thing "You must be so pleased it's over", "Wow you've beaten it, I knew you would, you are going to live life to the full I guess now", "so pleased that your better Darren, you must be happy now". I desperately wanted to feel like that, to just forget it but it was still lurking, hanging around in my mind and fear would still get me. Fear of a reoccurrence, fear of a fatal reoccurrence. I started to wish time past, I wanted to travel 10 years into the future, to survival, true survival. The physical side of it was also still a problem, I was still sore and numb, I couldn't walk long distances. Christ I was still struggling to get my socks on, when I actually wore them anyway, but overall I was feeling like with a bit more time I could get enough strength into my leg to get me back into work mode and maybe that would help me get back to myself. I called my boss and said that I was still having physio but I was going to turn my laptop on and have a look at my emails. I was thinking about setting a return date but as I was currently still signed off for the next couple of months I would let them know as soon as I had a plan. I said I wouldn't respond to any emails but I just wanted to get a feel of what was going on in the company after the restructure and see what I'd missed. He was happy with that and said he would pass the message around that I was on the mend and would maybe be in touch with people soon. The next morning I got up showered, took my laptop out my work bag, plugged it in and turned it on. I opened outlook and watched as it said just how much needed to be updated in my inbox. 4 hours later there were over 3000 emails in there and I just sat there looking at them wondering where to start. For the next 3 days I just sat opening, scan reading and deleting the junk. Every now and then I came across a message from a customer wishing me good luck and that they were hoping I would be back soon and that lifted me and made me smile. As I was getting towards the end of them I was watching the new ones coming in, they were mainly junk at this point as everyone had stopped sending me business ones as they knew I was off. Then I saw one, it was from the UK human resources manager and it simply said: Darren, You have now been off 6 months and as such your wages will stop on Monday and you must now claim statutory sick pay. Regards..... That was it! The sum total of the message was one sentence, no hello, no I hope you are well, no how are things. It was cold and left me feeling sick, I now had to make a decision and make it quickly. Actually there was no decision to make, I couldn't afford to not be paid, I could not house and feed my family on SSP, I had to go back to work, I didn't know if I was physically or mentally ready but I had no choice, I couldn't be without money. I phoned my boss and told him about the email and then I said "I'll be back to work on Monday". "What? Monday? You can't come back Monday, we have to do an assessment on you, see what you can do, see what we need to do, Monday is too soon". Well to me that was their problem I would be back on Monday and we would have to see then what I could and couldn't do. I was actually really quite angry and upset by it all, I had been through enough and still wasn't physically or mentally right but now I had the pressure of having no choice but to go back to work. If I'm honest it all felt really cold and tactless by the company. This was the first time that the "well it's all gone now so everything is fine, just get back to normal and forget it" attitude of people who have never been in the position of having cancer really got to me. Now don't get me wrong, I was in remission and there are hundreds, well thousands of people who aren't ever that lucky and I would never say I know how they feel or think so I can't comment on that. But for me this new pressure was a load going back on to me, it felt like the relief I had experienced just a couple of weeks before was being replaced with pressure again, I was going back under and I couldn't do anything because if I didn't go back now the kids didn't eat. How could I get back in the car? How could I go back onto a building site? What I tried to do was think differently, "yes but you're back at work, you are back to normal, you can stop thinking about cancer, you can plan the rest of your life". The only problem was that I couldn't, I couldn't stop worrying, the worry of it coming back was starting to consume me, I had convinced myself, it was the old story of if my own head is saying it well it must be true. As this built up in me I knew that I wasn't ready to go back to work but I had no choice, they were going to stop paying me so it was back to work or no food on the table. I started back to work the following Monday, I went into the office for a quick chat about what I was going to do to get back into it and was informed that I definitely needed an assessment from an occupational therapist before I could work again! It was agreed I would work from home until then just dealing with customers on the phone and by email, if it got too much I would take a break but I should try and do what I could. I had cleared my emails so it was time to make the first phone call, I really didn't want to do it, the first thing they would ask me would be about cancer, I knew it would, it was obvious and I really didn't want to talk about it. Ok, I'm dialing now, it's ringing, and then Dave picked up. "Hello Mate, god it's good to hear you're back, so tell me about it, are you ok now?" As I started to speak the words were sticking in my throat, I did not want to answer, I didn't want to talk about cancer, I would rather talk about anything but that, but I had no choice and every time I tried to keep it brief more questions followed and the answers became more brief. It wasn't his fault but I got off the phone as quickly as I could and then I sat there, shaking and in a world of thoughts. Everybody told me and expected me to be over this now, to be positive and to get on with my life, to stop worrying about cancer and be happy because I had beat it. How could I turn to them and say I hadn't beaten anything, the threat was still there, I had to have check ups for the next 10 years, that's not beating it, I had won a battle but the war would go on for 10 years, 10 years until I was a survivor? How could I tell them that I was locking myself in the bathroom when the panic got too much, or that I didn't want to speak to customers, the main part of my job, because I didn't want to talk about cancer. No one would understand because to them I had beaten it, I no longer had anything to worry about.
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
Darren EvansOn Feb 11th 2013 my life changed forever when I was diagnosed with a myxoid liposarcoma of the right thigh. This is my version of my life since then. Archives
June 2018
Categories
All
|