"Life is about give and take" I have heard that a lot of times over the years, I don't know if you have but it's a saying that I heard again today. I was also having a conversation about the recent rugby world cup and I said to the person "I would love to play just one more game of rugby", I've been thinking of that a lot recently, I really would love to play just one more game but I don't think I could, physically, I just don't think I could. Yes I'm the other side of 40 and I weigh a bit more and run a bit less than I used to but mainly because my leg couldn't take it. You noticed I didn't say legs, just leg, because my left one definitely could take it. I know that because I was this size a couple of years ago when I entered and was winning the Dad's race at my son's school sports day until a very untimely and embarrassing slip which ended with me crossing the line head first and tumbling with a big graze on my leg! I don't know who was more embarrassed, me or Harry?
Anyway, my right leg wouldn't take it, the removal of the rectus femoris muscle along with the tumour has left me with a "shark bite" and a "manky" leg. I can't physically run anymore, my gait has changed so much I feel so different in motion that it feels wrong. I also have the problem of my knee giving out as the muscle above it is gone so I frequently stumble, even on flat stable ground! People look and laugh, they can't see under my trousers so just think I'm clumsy or drunk. What has this got to do with give and take you're asking, I know I'm rambling again sorry. Well my tumour, sarcoma, has taken away that chance to ever play a full game of rugby again. Not just physically but mentally, I would be too scared that a good whack or hit on it would cause the cancer to come back, yes I know it doesn't work like that but as I have no reason or understanding why it grew in the first place I'm not taking any chances. This led me to think about what else it had taken from me, but then also I wondered if it had given me anything too? Maybe I'm letting my mind wander too much at the minute, maybe I'm overthinking but some things did come to mind for both, give and take. So it has taken my ability to play rugby again, some might say I never had any but I think I did, it has also taken away my ability to play football. I used to love to play sport, yes I haven't played as much recently but now I know I can't, well we all want the things we can't have don't we? More seriously it has taken a large chunk of my personality and what used to make me what I am. I have recently been asked "Were you always a worrier? Did you always look on the down side or have depression before cancer?" The answer "No", not in the slightest, I was an optimist, a glass is always half full and ready for some more kind of person. I wasn't scared of the future, I wasn't scared that I wouldn't have a future. I was impetuous, I had a lust for life and fun that was pretty much unquenchable. If something was happening I was normally slap bang in the middle of it, I had normally instigated it. I lived the life I wanted, not selfishly, but I wanted to laugh and have fun and I did. I had climbed mountains, swam in more than one ocean, been drunk in many places and seen many more. I once chased a giraffe across the Masai Mara to try and get a photo of it, believe me those things are fast at full tilt!! I lived to spend time with people I love, I loved being with people, I enjoyed being in the company of others but was also comfortable when I was alone. Nearly all of this has left me since my illness. It has taken a lot of that away from me. I still want to live, of course I do, maybe more so than I did before, but it's how I live and how I think that has changed. I'm not an optimist anymore, I wait for bad news, I expect the worst to happen, the glass is half empty and the bar has closed. I am scared of what the future will hold for me, I'm scared how long that future will be. I want to take my kids to university, to walk Madison down the aisle, to see my grand kids, but in my head I won't. I still want to laugh, to spend time with the people I love but at times I am unbearable and can see why they get fed up with me. That's maybe the wrong word, more why they get frustrated with me. They think about the man I was and can't understand why I'm not him anymore. He is still there, every now and then he surfaces and I laugh out loud, I smile and do something stupid to make others laugh, I dance or I walk with my super confident swagger. I just wish he could be here more, that cancer hadn't pushed him down. I now struggle to be in my own company for too long. If I'm alone and quiet my mind wanders very quickly and always to the same thing, my illness and my future. Sleep can elude me for days sometimes and that makes things worse, it darkens my mood. Nights alone in hotel rooms can be awful, I can be finding sleep difficult and then loneliness makes my mind wander and that makes my mood worse so sleep eludes me more. It is a vicious circle, but travelling is part of my job so I have to learn to deal with this and that is one of the things I am working on. It has taken a lot, but has it given me anything? Yes it has. It has given me a stronger desire to live, to live a long time, an appreciation of the time we have, a need to fill that time with people I love. It has given me friends. It has given me new friends, a new look at old friends, new best friends, new friends I would do anything for because they have been there for me when I was at my low point. It has given me back faith in people. During my time in the Army I saw some of the darkest side of human beings and what they were capable of. We all became numb to some extent I guess, I lost some of my compassion because I lost some of my faith in people. My illness has restored my faith, not in everyone, I am still fairly guarded but I have met some wonderful and kind people. I have met people with so much strength that they have inspired me to keep trying, to keep aiming for a return to who I was. I have met strangers who by showing me such compassion and sincerity I now consider them friends, something I couldn't do before. I always needed time to allow people into my world but some people have come into it quickly and I have allowed that to happen and I am glad I did. They make my life better. I appreciate every day now, even the bad days are still days that I could of missed, they are extra days, days that some wouldn't have so I should appreciate them. Even if I'm feeling bad at least I am feeling something and I will always have the next day to try and start again, to start my life again. So tomorrow I will, I will try and be positive for the day, I can't promise I will but I can promise I will try.
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Darren EvansOn Feb 11th 2013 my life changed forever when I was diagnosed with a myxoid liposarcoma of the right thigh. This is my version of my life since then. Archives
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