Please allow me a small digression from my story again because on Thursday some of my oldest friends and I gathered to say goodbye to one of us, to Graham, who I talked about previously in this blog. A hot sunny summers day, the sort of day made to relax and sit and talk to friends over a drink or two. I picked a couple of friends up from their hotel and we made the trip over to the crematorium in Nottingham, talking about rubbish and not really acknowledging where we were going or what we were going to do. We talked about work, some old memories and then all of a sudden we were there and heading up the drive towards the building at the top. We started to see people we didn't know and then some old friends, all stood in there groups quietly talking and looking around as more and more people were arriving.
We parked the car and walked down, faces from our pasts and close friends were everywhere. Smiles, handshakes, hugs and more smiles, a quick conversation with as many people as possible, saying hello to everyone I could, to people I had not seen in days for some or even years for others. Funerals are so strange like that to me, the joy of seeing people you may not have seen in a long time mixed with the sadness for the realization of why you are actually there make it such a strange feeling, so many hellos but one big goodbye. Graham arrived with his wife and family behind and some of the lads went off to collect him, he wanted his friends to carry him in and the lads were very proud to have been asked but wished they didn't have to do it. We followed at the back of the crowd and a testament to him as a man was there were no seats left, it was standing room only and I hope his wife and family found some comfort in how many people wanted to say goodbye as well as the amount of soldiers and ex soldiers who wanted to be there and couldn't so sent their best wishes and goodbyes. The song playing as we entered was November rain by Guns and Roses and this set the tone for what was a goodbye that was very much Graham, music was a big part of it and reminded me of our countless conversations on music and bands. I think it was our love of music that made us friends originally but years spent working together built that friendship. I stood and listened to the eulogy, about his life, his journey, his love, his family and I felt truly moved. I think the mark of a man are the relationships and memories he leaves behind, the people who love him and were loved by him, the lives he has touched and improved by being in them and Graham had done all of this. When I got outside at the end of the service I started to wonder about me and apply those marks to my life, had I been a good man? Had I lived a good life? Had I improved the lives of others? Would people want to say goodbye to me? My bio tells a bit of my story, about the man I am and how I got to where I am in my life at this moment but there is more than that. I am happy with how my life has gone, I have very few regrets about the life I have lived. My real regrets are that I wish some people had come into my life sooner and some had left it sooner. I don't really regret anything I did, well maybe smoking I wish I had never smoked and I wish I had looked after myself a bit better after I left the army and hadn't put the weight on! Other than that I really have had a good life, I grew up in Devon one of the most beautiful places in the world, I got a decent but unremarkable education and although I didn't have any real paper qualifications I had enjoyed the social side of school, played a lot of sport and made some friends. I didn't stay on past 16 as pretty much all my friends did as the educational side wasn't really my thing, I wanted to get out into the world and see it. I had always wanted to join the forces and I saw that as my way to travel and have a career. My Dad, Stepdad and both granddads had all been in the army so I saw that as my choice and during those first summer months after I left school in 1991 I went to the careers office and signed the forms. In April 1993 I actually entered the training regiment and I met Stevie. Stevie and I have been mates ever since, we have been posted together, spoke at each others weddings and had loads of adventures together. We also had another big thing in common, just as I went into remission Stevie was diagnosed with Non Hodgkins Lymphona. He fought through surgery and chemo and we would talk every week either by phone or over a coffee, we would talk about it all. Stevie was one of the few people I could talk with. I have only ever been able to discuss my cancer and my feelings with a couple of people before I started writing this blog and those people really helped me deal with it. I think that's what gave me the strength to write this, those people listened and told me that I should share my story, I should let people know how I felt and that might help others in this situation. I can't thank those people enough, they really have changed my life, they have shown me a new way of thinking, of believing in myself and what I can achieve by looking forward and not back. Stevie went into remission earlier this year and we had our inaugural meeting of the chetwynd barracks cancer survivor club, that's our in joke, and we talked about it all. We even got into a my cancer is more rare than yours and a tumour comparison contest! We had to declare it a draw as he had more than me but they were all ridiculously small. That's what I mean Stevie was one of the few people who could put me at ease about it all, he had always had a zest for life that surpassed anyone else I know and together we ended up in some strange places but always laughing! He did tell me when we last sat down for a coffee that he thought he would never make old bones, if the cancer didn't get him then the chemicals they pumped him full of during chemo would. He was convinced of it but I told him to shut up, we had got through it and it couldn't be a survivors club with just me in it. He had a motorbike crash 12 weeks ago and hasn't come out of the coma since. I miss him, I miss speaking to him, he was my best mate and we would talk all the time. He had asked me to go to Las Vegas with him and some others in November for his 40th birthday, we may not go this year but I still believe we will. I go to see him once a week and just sit and talk rubbish, about memories, about Vegas, about life. Vegas is still calling and yes we will still answer that call. The army actually taught me a lot about friendship, of course it did, when you live so closely with people you learn a lot about friendship. When you have laughed and cried with someone, fought with them and sometimes against them too, when you have had their last penny and also given them yours, when you have lived in a cramped room or tent and spent long hours talking about yourselves, your families, your lives to that point you learn a lot about a person and whether you want them in your life. Army friends are different from "normal" friends to me, there really is a bond that is hard to describe, Christ I sound like a recruitment poster but it's true. I still have a few friends from this time of my life, friendships formed in Germany, Bosnia, Kenya and other places around the world, friendships formed during long days travelling or sitting in and around vehicles or doing rubbish jobs. People say they aren't really your friends though, you only see them every now and again. That's rubbish, I might not see one of them in 5 years, Christ we may not speak in two years but I know that if I needed a friend I would just have to ask. Thinking of Graham again he always found it fascinating how close everyone was, even after we left. We would have reunions where there would be people earning a fortune as directors of companies and lads earning low wages a lot lower down the accepted pecking order of life and yet no one ever judged anyone or commented on what they did. We were friends and friends don't do that, we judged each other on the bloke you are not what you have or earn. Unfortunately when I got ill I cut a lot of people out of my life, I didn't want to speak to anyone even some people who were very close friends and if I'm honest I think they were a bit unsure what they should say to me, I got a lot of messages wishing me well but didn't respond to them so maybe people thought I wanted to be left alone and so they did. There were some people who persevered and I talked about them earlier in the blog. They weren't my closest friends then so probably didn't really know what I was like and I guess that's why they kept on!! They may not have been the closest then but they are now, to me they are very important, they really did keep me going and I really won't ever forget that. I also spent some time thinking about other people who I know that have been taken to soon, there was Mac who I talked about earlier in the blog, Dan who couldn't go on any longer, Brett with his demons, Steve in a motorbike crash, Lee lost himself in personal pain and there was Steve in a really random accident Bosnia. I worked for nearly 10 years in a job you expected people to die in but I never expected so many people I knew to die before I was 40. It did bring back a lot of feelings that I had been on top of again recently, they wont ever completely leave me those feelings and thoughts but at present I keep them in check, I have enough happiness in my life to keep them down and that's what I want to keep doing. I do still struggle with a fear of death, well of my illness coming back and killing me and really I shouldn't fixate on that because like you can see above it could come at any day. This was the key part of my issues later on after I had been in remission a while, if I'm honest it isn't the fear of death it's the fear of leaving the people I love behind and not being able to comfort them. See really it's a control thing again, but a control thing born from love. I didn't really get to speak to Graham's wife much, just a little at the end of the day. It really just got me thinking about life and love, about how we meet and love people, some with all our hearts and we never know how life will end for us. They loved each other very much and for me it's heartbreaking that they now leave each other so early. I can't imagine losing someone you love so early but it does remind me that we need to truly cherish whatever life we have with the people we love that deeply. We never know when they wont be there, when that goodbye was the last one, when the last I love you will be said. It doesn't take much to tell them you love them, tell them how they make you feel, tell them you want to be with them until the day you have to leave this world. I promised myself I would do that everyday and everyday I will because I want every I love you and every goodbye to be worthy of it being the last one.
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Darren EvansOn Feb 11th 2013 my life changed forever when I was diagnosed with a myxoid liposarcoma of the right thigh. This is my version of my life since then. Archives
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