Cancer has been everywhere recently, on the TV, the radio, social media has been saturated with it. One reason was that February 4th was world cancer day, we were encouraged to unite, to stand together, to beat cancer sooner. To post a picture, to tell the world who you were united with. I did, I posted that I was stood in unity with everyone who was ever told "I'm sorry but it's,,," I stand with all of them because unless you have heard those words said to you then you can not truly understand what they mean. You can feel sympathy for that person, you can feel shock, upset, a desire for them to beat it but you can't feel those feelings at the same level as that person and you can't feel the fear, the fear that reaches deep inside of you and really does turn you inside out. Please don't think that those words are harsh, selfish or dramatic. No one can be in your head, no one can ask the questions that you ask yourself at that point in time and from then on. The other reason it has been everywhere has been the passing of Terry Wogan, Alan Rickman and David Bowie. All of them, cancer, all of them front page news. I mourn for them, I truly do because they too I'm sure heard the words "I'm sorry but it's...." and in that instant all the success, wealth, fame and everything else would of faded away to the background because it wouldn't have mattered I'm sure. That gut wrenching inside out fear and the worry and guilt for what it would put the ones we love and who love us through goes with those words. I have said it before Cancer doesn't discriminate, it doesn't care about colour, wealth, success, age, sexuality or faith. It is blind to it all as it consumes the person it turned it's own body against, wealth may afford you the best treatment but it doesn't guarantee a win. The passing of celebrities always makes people think, in this case I'm sure it reminded people that cancer is out there, wherever it wants to be and it still wins sometimes. But what about those who don't make the front page when cancer wins, those people are no less important in the fight, in the war on cancer. Their loss impacts on those they loved and loved them, their loss can give great grief but can also inspire. They inspire new charities and foundations, they inspire new awareness campaigns, they inspire "ordinary people" to do "extraordinary things", and those people take the fight a step further down the road to a complete victory. It's those amazing people as well as some other things that have been my inspiration this last couple of days. I have had a difficult couple of days in so much as it has been my 3 year diagnosis anniversary, I know it means nothing really, its just a date, but if you have read this blog from the start you know anniversaries and dates are a particular difficulty of mine. As I started drifting I have seen some people get bad news, people who have read and commented on this blog, people I have shared messages and conversations with and friends. I haven't ever had the news that they have had and because of that I have a future of endless possibilities still, yes Sarcoma might cross my path again but until it does I shouldn't sit and wait for it to make an appearance. I do not know my future, as I write this I do not know where and when or even who will be in my future. I don't know how long it will be, if I will be a success? Or even if I will get the things I want most. I owe it to those who don't have that chance to live mine and live mine well, to maybe be that ordinary person who does an extraordinary thing that inspires someone else's journey or fight....I doubt it I'm just a normal bloke lol but I do still have a lust for life, a desire for love and a need to explore. I do need to realise that I have to stop needing control at all times because I can't control everything, that was a sarcoma given lesson, and I can't keep pushing people away whenever I get scared.
My next scan is rapidly approaching, it's next week, my scanxiety is building and I am having my normal reaction of closing up, pushing people away, being unreasonable, just being a dick. I know I'm doing it, I don't like doing it but I can't stop myself some days. That isn't going to help me so tonight I make a decision to embrace my future. I make a decision to look forward, start walking and don't stop. Let's see what this future brings, the good and the bad because I'm sure there will be both. There will be love and loss as well I'm sure but I don't know when or where so I won't let them dictate my path. I'll lose people along the way and I'll bring more in, that's the exciting bit I guess! There was another reason for 4th Feb to be important and it is the source of one of my true inspirations. My 3 kids are my life, my constant for love and joy when I struggle to find it in life. The 4th was my daughter's 8th birthday. A special day for the most special girl. I wanted to put it here because well it is a check up I have next week and you never know... but also because it gives me a reminder that all days, even world cancer day which can be full of sadness, can also be full of hope and joy. So happy 8th birthday Madison Lily, dream big, love always Daddy x
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Darren EvansOn Feb 11th 2013 my life changed forever when I was diagnosed with a myxoid liposarcoma of the right thigh. This is my version of my life since then. Archives
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