I've been working on and writing some more of my story recently but the reality of life, work and commitments has slowed me down as I've juggled what I have to do and what I want to do. This was always the normality that I craved during treatment and immediately after, I've had some reminders that I had once had a Sarcoma but they will be talked about later as part of my story but really I've just been incredibly busy, with loads on my mind and Sarcoma or Cancer wasn't always part of those thoughts recently. In this time I've also been reading through some posts and stories on a Sarcoma Facebook group to which I belong, speaking in messages to Steve about support groups and also to a couple others who I won't name but sincerely hope our chats have helped a little. Today is also 9/11, a day that always makes me consider life, love and loss, a day that thousands said goodbye to their loved ones not knowing it would be the last time. All this has led to a little collection of thoughts in my head and with the assisted dying vote that was held today these thoughts have been nagging at me to be written down, to get out of my head and see if I can process them a little easier when I write them and not just think about them. I'm going to start this collection with a video that appeared on one of my social media timelines this week, I really hope they don't mind me sharing it here just as I did on my Facebook page. I was going to say you may not have a Facebook page or be a member of a Sarcoma group so may not have seen this one but the chances are you do at least have a Facebook page, you are reading a blog so why wouldn't you have a Facebook page!! You may not be a member of a support group on there though, I mean I only joined a group last month, and that's after 2 years in remission. I want to put it here because if you haven't seen it you should, this is a story that needs sharing. This video and the stories of others I've read have made me realize how lucky I was with my diagnosis, I thought I had suffered a large tumour but when I read and hear some stories mine was small in comparison, absolutely tiny. Now that to me though doesn't lessen my story or my feelings because they are mine, they were my journey and that journey has brought me happiness and sadness, it has created the person I am now and it was the journey that scares me still. But when I read those stories of tumours the size of melons, of reoccurrences, of people losing limbs or the inoperable tumours and the loss of loved ones my heart feels for all of them, it feels for everyone who has been touched by this disease because I believe you can only sympathise if you have never joined the "cancer club" you can't empathise because you will never know how it feels to have cancer until someone tells you that you have it.
This also brings me on to the assisted dying debate and vote that was held today, I say this again now, I do not know how it feels to be living and knowing for definite that you only have limited time left in this life and I am so incredibly grateful for that. I can sort of imagine because I have had those worries as I journeyed through diagnosis and treatment, but I have never been told it's inoperable or that I am terminal so I can't say I can speak for those people I can only offer my thoughts from my experiences. I always thought that my desire to live would see me through to the very end, it was the thought of leaving my loved ones behind that created my mental health issues and if I'm honest that thought and fear is still the one that crushes me if I dwell on it for too long. Since my friend died though I have been thinking of what someone who had seen him close to the end told me, "he has said he is ready to go Daz", was what they said and then I could see maybe why he had come to that. He was in pain, he slept a lot and he knew his time was coming, I guess he couldn't face going on like that anymore. He had always wanted to keep going but I guess in the very end as it got worse and he knew what was to come he made his peace. This is why I can't understand why the politicians get to decide and not the person about this very important and personal decision, how can someone who has never been in that position be the right person to decide what is right? If you have never been told you have a terminal illness you can't decide what is right for the person that has. Yes we can campaign for better standards of care for terminal patients, but lets be honest we shouldn't have to campaign for that it should be the norm. If that person decides they have made their peace with their loved ones, family, friends and their life they should be allowed to make what will be their last decision. If a person wants to decide to fight until they get to the end that is their choice and if a person decides that they can't fight what is a battle that is already lost anymore then that is there choice as well. I pray that I never have to make that choice and "touch wood" as they say I haven't even had to consider a second bout of the disease but if I had to I still don't know what I would think or decide because I haven't ever been there, I like to think I would give it all I've got to the end but that doesn't mean I can't sympathise and understand with those that can't. I hope this bill gets another reading and vote, a nation and it's people are judged on how they treat their ill and those that can't help themselves, what did today say about us? Lastly today is 9/11. 14 years ago I was a soldier on what was my last operational tour. I was in Macedonia on Task Force Harvest, a weapons collection programme and amnesty to stop the trouble there developing further and leading to what could of become another Bosnia. I had been out working all morning and as we got back to base someone came running over saying that a plane had hit the twin towers. We went and sat in front of our one TV, pretty much the whole squadron did and we watched as it unfolded. We already knew deep down that some of us would be off to fight another battle, not me I had only a little time left in the army, but those sat around me almost definitely would. I still shudder when I watch it now, all those people, the ones who didn't know before they died, the ones who knew they would die, the ones who decided to jump instead of, well just instead of. I hope they are all sleeping well with dreams of nothing but good memories but it also takes me to something I wrote earlier in this blog. That goodbye you have just said, that kiss you have just given, that hug that made you feel warm or maybe that angry word you have just spoken may be the last time that person is in your life. If you love them don't let an angry word be the thing you both remember as the last thing, let it be a hug, a kiss or an I love you. I'm sorry if this chapter is a bit preachy or maybe you disagree with something I have written here but as the bio says, I'm no expert, just an ordinary bloke trying to make sense of his thoughts. As always I'd love to hear from you or discuss anything written here, and of course thanks for reading and I promise to get back to my story soon!
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Darren EvansOn Feb 11th 2013 my life changed forever when I was diagnosed with a myxoid liposarcoma of the right thigh. This is my version of my life since then. Archives
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