If you have read this blog before you will know that music has played a massive part of my life and especially this crazy journey. Tonight I have withdrawn from everyone, I am sat alone and the football is on in the background with the volume low, I've sank into the beer bottles but before I lose myself in a bottle of Absolut Blue I am trying to use music to lift my mood, that's some task I tell you because it is lower than it's been in a while. Monday is looming in my thoughts but life and it's pressures are also weighing heavy on my mind and if I add them together and dwell on them both then that bottle of Absolut Blue is looking very appealing.... Anyway, in this blog I have talked about the songs I considered for my funeral when I was in the really dark place, the songs that remind me of my sarcoma journey so far and others that have struck a chord as I have gone along in life. I do have some songs that are my go to mood lifters too, songs that have meaning to me but at the same time lighten my mood, be that with memories or words and I am heading to them again tonight. If you don't mind I think I'm going to share some of them here. It's going to be a strange old mix believe me, my taste is, well I think the word is eclectic, but they all have something that just lifts me. This is my eldest son's song, it's his football song, every matchday we have this in the car as we travel to the training ground, he loves it, he loves the confidence that comes from the song, "I'm the man, yes I am, yes I am" he says makes him feel taller, bigger, just better. I love that he loves it because I do too but the words are different to me. It's amazing how a song can do that, makes two people feel the same but for different reasons. "Somewhere I heard that life is a test, I been through the worst but I still did my best, God made my mould different from the rest, then he broke that mould so I know I'm blessed." "Stand up now and face the sun, won't hide my tail or turn and run, It's time to do what must be done, Be a king when kingdom comes." "I'm a soldier standing on my feet, no surrender and I won't retreat, This is my world." They are the words that speak to me, words of defiance, of strength, of confidence, of a refusal to be beaten For me this is about not giving up, about keeping going when all you want to do is give up, it just makes me think of walking forward, heading to a destination, for me that destination is July 2023, that's survival, true survival. I know it won't be easy getting there and I'm sure there will be some tough times ahead, but if you keep walking forward you are doing all you can. Frank Turner was always going to be in this list, so much of his music speaks to me but this was another of the first songs of his I heard. Even before sarcoma it made me look at myself and my life and made me remember the hopes and dreams I had as a child, as a teenager, a young man, an older man. It says to me that we owe it to ourselves to chase those dreams because life tells us we have to forget them as we get older, just get a job, earn a living, be sensible. If we do that and leave our dreams behind can we really say we have "lived" our lives or did we just go through the motions. If we are just going through the motions then we need to go back remember who we were, who we still are, that should be who we live for. I think everyone knows this song, but when was the last time you thought of the words you were singing? This is my sarcoma community song. A community I avoided for so long, a community I wanted no part of. I joined the club by a twist of luck, by a mutated cell that decided to attack me but I chose for two years to not join the community. I am still embarrassed by that because that was my loss. This song talks about swallowing pride, of people who understand your problem and that if I help you then you can help me. That is the sarcoma community, the only people who can really understand what I am going through, who helped me swallow pride and fear to join them (yes that first step I owe to you wonderful people at the Bournemouth group) because that also allowed me to start to listen and help others where I could. This blog, the messages and emails and the phone calls, by helping those I could I have found that they have helped me, thank you, thank you all. Well the title says it all. What if today was your last day? Could you look back and say you lived your life, you did the best you could, you were the best person you could of been? There are times I'm not the best I can be and the past does drag me backwards, being afraid of what happened before has at times stopped me living now, that's just wrong. We don't only live once we only die once, every tomorrow, every new day is a chance to start again so maybe if we started living each new day like it was our last day we would really make it better for us and those around us because let's be honest, if you are reading this and you have had the words "I'm sorry but it's..." spoken to you about you then you know that fear of this being your last day.... It's the chorus of this one really. When I look in the mirror these days I don't always recognise myself because sarcoma changed me, I have spoken about how and why a lot and I'm not going there again tonight!! I wasn't always strong, I wasn't always the person I thought I would be but hey I can't live back there, I can't regret it because I can't change it. I did what I thought was best, honestly thought was best and that has shaped me and how I am now and that person is finding more strength all the time. No regrets, leave the past back there, it made you but can't control you now. This is a reminder that the best things in life are the little things, happiness is in the little things not necessarily the expensive material things. Somewhere to sleep, some food to eat and love are all I really need to be happy and if I forget that I hope people remind me. I stopped worrying about the material things nearly 3 years ago, I learnt that I really can't take them with me, no amount of money would of stopped me getting cancer, a big house won't stop it coming back and a fast car can't out run it but if I'm happy and I have love in my life well that would be just enough for me thanks and I will be happy with that. I don't know if Ed Sheeran is still cool or not and I don't care lol, I also no there are plenty of love songs that are deemed "better" than this one but I just love the words. I have said through this entire blog that the ones who love us are the ones who keep us strong when we are weak, happy when we are sad and just hold us when there is nothing else that can be done are just so important in these journeys even if at times they are overlooked. The words of this song for me talk of that love, real love, true love, the love that starts when the looks and the lust goes, when we start to fail but still find strength in each other, when we develop together into newer versions of the people we were but still enough to remember why we both fell in love to start with and hope to stay in love until we get older, change more, fail more but still long for that person to be with us. Love, the thing that beats cancer no matter what happens in the journey.
I guess that's me for tonight, finding, playing and listening to these songs have helped me, I'm not heading for the absolut, I might just stay on youtube and find some more of the songs I grew up to, lived to and built memories to. I'm sure you have your own songs for your life, your journey and your future, I would love to hear them if you want to share them I really would. For me music is the key to the soul, it really is and I hope you can see a little further into mine now.
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Darren EvansOn Feb 11th 2013 my life changed forever when I was diagnosed with a myxoid liposarcoma of the right thigh. This is my version of my life since then. Archives
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