I've just read this post before I put it up and I just want to say please understand that it is not meant to be self indulgent, it's not. I write this blog primarily as a way of recording my thoughts and feelings along my journey with sarcoma so that one day I can look back and see the places it took me, both physically and mentally. I have had a couple of weeks that have been a trial, I have had some really bad times and some really good times in this period and it's put my head in a real spin. I wanted to write it down because I have had some real thinking time this weekend and that has brought me to a place tonight that I wanted to write about. It's not an epiphany but it is a watershed moment, well for me anyway, so I wanted to get it on here. Please read and hopefully you may see something of yourself here too... In my last chapter I wrote about what sarcoma had taken from me and what it had given me, I also previously wrote about my collecting of memories and how learning to accept and give support has improved me as a person and also helped me deal with the changes in me. Yesterday and today I have done a lot of thinking, not bad thinking but thinking about me. I went back to the start and read this blog from the beginning, from the first chapter back in July and thought about these last 5 months and the changes in me and my life since then. I can say that the storm of Sarcoma changed me, the last 2 years changed me and writing this blog has changed me some more. I am definitely not the same person who walked into the storm and I am now starting to accept that, but that doesn't mean that I have to be less of a person, or a weaker version than before. I can be a new version of the old me, a better version, a stronger version, I just have to get to that place. The saying in that picture is so true, it resonated with me yesterday when I read it. It was like a light going off in my head, I am broken, I know that but I am not useless. I have seen this week that I can "still colour", I just have to figure out what I want to do, the pictures I want to make, the life I want to lead. Once I have decided on that I can start to move forward again. I've got scars, and yes I was stronger than what tried to hurt me. I have realised over these last couple of days of thinking that I have beaten everything in my life that has tried to hurt me. I have had all sorts, like everyone has, and I have survived them all. Sarcoma was and is the scariest of them but I have shown it I am stronger than it, I never gave up before so why am I giving up now? This is just another life experience and I need to take from it, learn from it, realise what I have gained from it and make a decision to move forward with it. I can't leave it behind because it will always be sat on my shoulder, I just need to remember I have big shoulders! We used to have a saying in the Army, "If you don't like it, hand your bedding in" meaning if you are going to moan about things because you don't like the way they are, hand your bedding in and quit. I guess that's the same for life, Don't like your job? get a new one, don't like your relationship? end it, don't like your house? move, don't like a certain person? don't speak to them, don't like yourself? change. Like I said I have had some big ups and downs over the last week or so and now it's time for me to decide how I am going to live, it's time for me to change. I can't hand my bedding in, this is life and you don't just quit on that, my biggest fear is losing it so why would I want to quit it? I have had some discussions over this last week on survival and recurrence rates for liposarcoma. I now agree it is important for me to know, understand and accept them as part of my healing process. It's true the earlier we are diagnosed the better our chances of survival and non-recurrence, advances in methods of treatment are also improving things. I have to take some responsibility as well and start to eat better, drink less and exercise more as well. The other thing I really have to do is not fixate on them, not let those rates control my life. It was the thing I was always scared of, knowing them would reinforce them in my mind, make them certainties instead of guidelines. Well if I'm convinced that it's going to come back and get me anyway I may as well have an idea on my chances! This is what I am trying to do. I am trying to look beyond the imperfections in my life and be happy with where I am right now, to enjoy where I am right now, to like myself right now and to stop worrying about what might happen. My life isn't perfect at the minute, my mind isn't perfect at the minute. I spoke about losing a lot of myself in the last chapter and it's true, all of it, I have lost a lot of myself and I think to find that man, the one I used to be, I just need to get back to being happy. To do that I have to make some decisions and act on them, I may have to make decisions that I don't like, I do have to make the decisions that will suit me best. My first decision is to accept that I can't control if the sarcoma will come back. That really is a big one and it has been helped by people this week telling me their stories and me seeing that even if it does that doesn't necessarily mean the end, and that the end will be quick. I have taken great inspiration from their stories, great hope from them as people and the quiet strength and dignity they are fighting their fights with. I have learnt that even if it comes back and even if the worst happens and it is in my lungs, there are still chances for treatment and being NERD again, the clock just starts again. My next decision is to try and be positive everyday, and if I can't be positive then I can be thankful and I can try and find one thing to be grateful for each day. It might be a cuddle from my loved ones, a beautiful view, a nice meal, just the simple things. I always found delight in the little things before, it's the little victories and pleasures that add up to a positive future. Every day I have someone else didn't so that's a promise to my self to live for that reason. Mac, Steve and many others never get another day, I do, it's time to live. Now I need to decide to look after myself, to get to the gym with no excuses, to try and eat a little better, again just the little things. They will help me like me a little better, to be more confident in my skin, I may even be able to get that game of rugby, well no I won't but I will have a better chance of fighting anything that may come back if my body is working better. So that's the plan, I have also decided that it's time to do something to raise money, I intend to do London to Brighton cycle ride next year. I've put this here so there can be no backing out, I have to commit to it now, oh dear time to start preparing..... This is my last decision for now, it's a decision to try every day and if I fail that day I won't beat myself up and try and punish myself. I won't do things to make me feel even more miserable because I thing I've failed. I won't push people out of my life or hide myself away, I won't allow myself to feel a failure because I know that some days I will fall on my arse but as long as I get back up then tomorrow gives me another chance. I was a soldier, I never gave up then I need to remember that now. Life does throw some bad things at you, in my opinion cancer is one of the worst, I just need to decide to fight again.
So there we go, I'm moving forward again. I'm sure there will be setbacks, there will be times, places and people that knock me back but I will keep moving forward. I will not allow my fears to control me again, I will not worry about what may happen, I will deal with it when it does. I will make myself happy, I will make the decisions that will allow me to be happy, no matter how difficult. I will not just find the man I used to be I will find the man I need to be to live my life, sarcoma or no sarcoma. I hope you will all come with me on this ride.
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Darren EvansOn Feb 11th 2013 my life changed forever when I was diagnosed with a myxoid liposarcoma of the right thigh. This is my version of my life since then. Archives
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