I saw this picture on Twitter yesterday morning, I was thumbing through as you do over my first coffee and I saw this picture. It made me smile I instinctively pressed save because I liked it and then I started my day. I've been doing a lot of thinking last night and today, I've been doing a lot of thinking everyday just recently but yesterday I did some driving and with the stereo on and nothing else to do I've let my mind wander and the picture above and what it says kept coming back over and over. Maybe this has been what's wrong with me lately, maybe I have overlooked the little things trying to get the big things right and I've ended up getting it all wrong. Maybe that's why I'm in this mess so to speak. I've put a couple of new blogs up recently and I have been battling with my own mind about the future and how uncertain it is. My blogs have been like my mood, highs and lows with swings from one to the other within seconds. It is to do with my future, at the minute I have been struggling to see one but there is a problem with that. Even if I only have tomorrow, by a stroke of chance or an accident I only have one day, that is still a future and how I live that day will depend on me. If that was to happen how would I look back on today, on yesterday, on last week? Would I look back and think I was concentrating on the wrong stuff, was I so blinded by the big I had forgotten how happy the little things can make you. I had a phone call last night and as yesterday seemed to be going the same way as the last couple of weeks have with me plummeting lower as more and more went wrong there was a sudden change. Steve is now responding to conversations and managing to say a few words. I am so happy, so very happy. There are still complications I wont discuss and a long way to go but it means that I am starting to get my best friend back. He probably won't be completely the same person but he has shown that the mate of mine, the man I know, the man who would never give up, would always look on the bright side, the eternal optimist is fighting his fight and is starting to win. I have to learn from that and I have, yesterday, last night and today I have. We have no guarantees in this world so why should I expect them, when I was diagnosed I expected it to be the end, every check up for the next 2 years I expected it to be the end, the last couple of weeks I have expected it to be the end and because of that I have pushed people away, I have been miserable and I have forgotten the little things. I guess this picture talks of regret as well in that way. I have a few regrets in my life, things I should of said or things I should of done, and you can see from that my regrets are about things I didn't do. By not doing or saying something at certain points I made my life worse, I had forgotten or rather been too scared at the time and because of that maybe that was another small thing gone that may have actually been a big thing? Who knows! I really can't control the future, I can't control anything but me and my happiness. I have to learn that and accept it. Life will happen whether I want it to or not, things will make me happy and things will make me sad, if I spend all my life worrying and fixating on the bad I will miss the good, I will miss being happy and then the rest of my life will be wasted. It really doesn't matter I guess on how long it will be, what really matters is that every moment of it is spent trying to be happy, trying to share it with the people who matter and making sure that when I'm laid there waiting to go I can go knowing that I lived my life.. Music again! Another song I love, it talks about people who's life are not what they planned, not what they wanted I guess but life goes on and they keep going, doing life in their way. It has a verse that goes well with what I'm writing here, it says
"On my last night on earth I'll pay a high price to have no regrets and be done with my life" That says it all to me, and as we go we need to know that the things we are happy with and proud of outnumber any regrets we have. There is an old saying that life is not about the number of breaths you take but the moments that take our breath away. I've had some of them and as of today I'm going to make sure I have more. I have been waiting for bad news, I've been waiting to hear it's all over, that it's come back. I'm not doing that now, I've beaten those feelings once and now I will beat them again, I'm going to find me, the person I was and I am going to live my life and I will look up on my last night and be done with my life.
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Darren EvansOn Feb 11th 2013 my life changed forever when I was diagnosed with a myxoid liposarcoma of the right thigh. This is my version of my life since then. Archives
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