No not that one, the other one, the bad one, ..........................Cancer.
I couldn't say that word for 2 years, I wouldn't say that word for 2 years. It was a word I hated, it made me feel sick when it came into my head, it sent my head in a spin and made my heart beat faster. I still hate it and if I'm honest I use sarcoma more than I use cancer to describe what I had. That's not just because I want to spread the "sarcoma" word but it's because it still makes me feel sick when I think hard about the fact that I had cancer. I would say it's just a word but it's not is it? It's more than that, so much more than that, it's a feeling, it's an image in your head, it's a memory of people lost, it's an expectation and not a nice one. I am of the age, that when I was a child and people around me talked of cancer they said, no they whispered, "it's the c word" as if by saying it something bad would happen. The word had so much power that people couldn't or wouldn't use it, I don't know if you know anything about the Harry Potter books but it was the equivalent of "Voldemort" it was the word that could never be said! Yes a few people would and everyone would stop in their tracks to stare at the person who used it, they would glare at them as if to say that by using it you were bringing cancer into the people who could hear it. So why is it that word has so much power? Is it the images we have in our head when we hear it? Is it like me you grew up in a time when if someone got cancer it normally meant they would die? Is it because it doesn't discriminate and can attack anyone? Or is it that we know that having it is such a life changing event that we wish and hope and pray it never gets us? I admit it, before I was diagnosed a cancer patient looked a certain way in my mind, the very thing I hate now because it happened to me, but it's an assumption we all make, yes I bet even you have! Cancer is synonymous with illness and serious illness at that, it's the word that destroys people and leaves them a shell of what they are, it destroys families and even affects children. It's a horrible word. It has it's own charities, it's own TV adverts that show the horror of being diagnosed and the effects of treatment. It has appeals, it has events dedicated to it and last year when a local celebrity died of it my children's school ran a series of events on skin cancer funded by his foundation. Now don't get me wrong it is an invaluable thing and I want my kids to be aware of the damage the sun can do but they heard skin cancer, they saw he had died and they added 2 + 2. This made life very difficult, as you are aware I had always said my kids would never know I had cancer until they needed to. That would come if I was terminal and until then they never needed to put that word and their dad in the same sentence. It was also difficult because I was still at a time in my journey where I couldn't speak about cancer so having my kids ask questions to me about it was destroying me, pushing me further down. They asked "so if you get cancer that means you die? why does cancer kill you? if I stay in the sun too long I will get cancer, does that mean I'll die?" Spot the pattern? I did. I spoke to them as much as I could along with other members of the family and I tried to explain to them that just because you get cancer it doesn't mean you have to die. People who have had cancer can beat it and be cured, doctors can make the cancer go away and people live normal lives. I believed all that I told them I just still didn't believe it about myself which is why I still avoided telling them that I had been through it. I didn't want them to hear "that word" in relation to me. I still don't and even after conversations I've had over the last 2 weeks I still won't tell them, the word is not needed in their everyday vocabulary so I won't remind them of it. I'll continue to think as I do that I'm protecting them. Maybe one day that will change but not just yet. They grow up too quickly now as it is. It may not be the right thing to do, it may be different to what you think and I'm always happy to debate it but for them it's still not right, ,not in my mind anyway! So what can I do? I can keep trying to use the word until it stops being scary. I was speaking with my Mum the other day and every time I said it she winced, she shook her head and winced, but I said to her "Mum, it is just a word, I hate it, it makes me feel sick but it's true I had it, I had it but I'm still here", I just tried to take some of that fear away. In fact my friends and loved ones all seem a bit nervous when I say the word, but I'm going to keep going and hopefully break down their barriers around the word too. I guess what I'm trying to say is that even though it makes me feel sick when I concentrate on the fact that I had cancer, it's the illness I should be afraid of, and I always will be that's just me now, but I definitely should try not to be afraid the word. The word can't hurt me, the adverts can't hurt me, the television stories can't hurt me, other people with the disease can't hurt me, so I have to stop being afraid of saying it or being around it. I have to look at my past as something that has happened, and it yes may happen again but it won't be because I say the word, or write it in a blog, or support charities, or read a little more into mine to understand where I am. I'm not going to get to where I'm completely comfortable with it tomorrow, next week or maybe even next month but hopefully soon I will be comfortable enough to turn around and say the phrase I really like to hear but just can't say......not quite yet. F**K Cancer.
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Darren EvansOn Feb 11th 2013 my life changed forever when I was diagnosed with a myxoid liposarcoma of the right thigh. This is my version of my life since then. Archives
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