I've been writing some more on my story but it deals a lot with my descent into my darkest days and my battle with anxiety and if I'm honest, well I am here it's my blog I have to be, I'm struggling to write it at the minute as I'm in such a good place these days, well most days anyway! I recorded the film Invictus the other night, ITV were showing it because of the rugby world cup I guess and I started watching it again tonight. I love the film, I love sport, I love rugby so it sort of ticks all the boxes with me. The one thing I really love though is the poem the film gets it title from , it's apparently the one Mandela read whilst on Robbin Island and the first time I read it something about it struck a chord with me and I had the last two lines tattooed on my foot. If you don't know it here it is..
Out of the night that covers me, Black as the Pit from pole to pole, I thank whatever gods may be For my unconquerable soul. In the fell clutch of circumstance I have not winced nor cried aloud. Under the bludgeonings of chance My head is bloody, but unbowed. Beyond this place of wrath and tears Looms but the Horror of the shade, And yet the menace of the years Finds, and shall find, me unafraid. It matters not how strait the gate, How charged with punishments the scroll. I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul. by William Ernest Henley I have never studied the poem or what it is supposed to mean to me, I read it and looked for my own meaning as that is what I have always done with poetry, so if I have misunderstood it or got it completely different from the accepted meaning I'm sorry but this is what it means to me. I had always lived like that, no matter what life or fate dealt or indeed had in store for me I had stood chin up chest out and faced it, it never broke me, it never made my hide. This isn't the time or place for my back story, maybe one day but not today, I will say life has not been easy but my troubles may pale into insignificance next to yours or you may hear mine and say "f**king hell" and that belittles neither of them because they are ours. What I am saying is that no matter what life had thrown at me before I had taken it, taken it and dealt with it, dealt with it without so much as flinching, I never let it consume me or affect me to a point I couldn't deal with it. Yes I had suffered grief and sadness, anger and frustration but I controlled them and used them to deal with what had happened. I had never really had a fear of death either, I knew I would die one day of course but it was never something I considered. Even as a soldier death wasn't a fear, it was something that could happen but by not thinking about it you can cope with it, well at that time I could. I lived a life that was there to be lived, experienced and loved. Death was not a part of that life, yes I had buried friends but that fear of death just wasn't there, why would it be, I had never had to face it on a personal level and by that I mean I never had to face my own death so why would I know that fear. For a long time Sarcoma took that part of me away, it made those things control me and the more it did the more helpless I felt. The more helpless I felt the less I wanted to talk about it and as such the more it controlled me. When I finally spoke it started to lose it's control over me, then I realized the more I talked the more it lost it's control. I really believe that if I had talked about it sooner, if I had discussed my fears and feelings that maybe I wouldn't have had to go so low before I started my journey back. Without sounding patronizing if you are suffering in the same way please speak to someone, there is always someone to talk to, and if you really haven't then I'll talk to you, no matter how small the fear, talk about it, that will help, really, talking helps. I read the poem again tonight and now I see cancer in the lines and words. I see the fear, the despair, the bad luck of getting cancer. The fear is that of the eternal darkness, that fear I'm sorry can only be felt if you have had to seriously consider your death, to think of your mortality in the context that it may soon be ending. It talks to me of that fear pushing you, weighing on you, squeezing you and knowing that it's there. Getting cancer is circumstance, yes there are things that will increase your chances but getting it is just luck, yes bad luck but just luck. You can only control how you react and how you deal with it. We, and by we I mean cancer patients have all at times in our fight probably felt that fear, we have probably all felt that we cant go on, we have probably all wept in fear and frustration but we have definitely all faced those feelings and gotten through them in the end. Again I can't speak for people who are terminally ill because I haven't been there but the people I have met who are dealing that have been the most determined people I have met to face it square on, to fight their fear and it's those who have been the most inspirational to me as I fought back. In these lines I also see the strength and determination that cancer patients have, that inner strength, that refusal to give up and an ability to just keep going. I may have struggled at times but even I had that desire to win during treatment. I have spoken with and read the stories of people who faced with unconquerable odds, stood up, looked cancer in the eye and told it to f**k off. They would not and will not be beaten by this disease and I admired them and they helped me to find my way back to how I was before my diagnosis, to where I am now. If you haven't before please go to http://sarcomastories.org.uk/ the stories and the courage in those stories are a true inspiration, a demonstration of that ability to remain strong in spirit in the face of Sarcoma. The last two lines of the poem before my diagnosis to me meant that I would be the one to determine my future, I would chose how I would live my life and the decisions made would be mine and mine alone. They mean something quite different to me now. I know now that I no longer control my fate, Sarcoma does, in fact myxoid liposarcoma does, it controls the rest of my life. It will decided if, when or where it will return in my body. I can't do anything about that now. I can try and live a healthy balanced life, I can make sure I attend my check ups but if it is coming back it's not me that will decide it so I can't control my fate. I can though still be the captain of my soul. Sarcoma can't change my soul and it can't change me, it can't change the love I feel, the dreams I have or the thoughts in my mind. These are the things that make up my soul and I am still in charge of them and I always will be. Yes I still have days when the fear and the feeling of helplessness return but remembering that I am the captain of my soul and I can choose how I feel and how I face my life means that it will never beat me no matter what the future holds. I may not be the master of my fate but I will always be the captain of my soul.
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
Darren EvansOn Feb 11th 2013 my life changed forever when I was diagnosed with a myxoid liposarcoma of the right thigh. This is my version of my life since then. Archives
June 2018
Categories
All
|