So I was flicking through Twitter not really reading it but scanning and I saw a tweet talking about Xmas number 1 and at first thought it was another campaign to stop The X Factor claiming it again but then I saw the name and I watched it. It is this song, the one below... I can't lie, there were a couple of tears watching it and I hope the following words explain why. This is a kind of difficult time of year for me, it has been since 2013 and I don't think it will ever change and although the reason for that may seem daft it is for me unfortunately just there and won't change.
I find this time of year difficult because there always seems to be a lot of reflection for me, I look to my past, my present and my future. Armistice day and Remembrance Sunday takes me back to my life in the Army and to my friends who are no longer here, I go back to the laughter and jokes, the good times and the bad ones, the memories are still as vivid as the day we made them. It was also this time in 2013 that I broke, when I couldn't take my thoughts anymore, when I lost myself and had to admit that, not just to myself but to others, and going back there can turn my thoughts dark again. It is also my birthday, and I think we all look at ourselves and our lives on that day, I turned 42 yesterday and the same thought I had last year and the year before and the year before that was back as I looked at my cards over a coffee. "What if this is my last birthday?" I don't know why and I know that I shouldn't have that worry, I'm "lucky", I'm NED, I'm heading to 6 month checks and there is no reason other than statistics to make me worry but I do. Its there and that leads me on to those tears because I have recently spoken with and heard the stories of others not in the same place as me. I have heard and read the words of them and the people who love them and as always their strength, dignity and love is inspirational. I am not in there situation and can never expect to understand how they feel I can only imagine, I hope I never know, I hope that those who love me never know it either but if they do the chances are a Hospice will be involved. I have only been in an Hospice once, to visit someone just before their fight ended, the part of this journey I can't allow myself to think or dwell on, that is embarrassing to admit because again I see the strength of the people who have to and I don't think I could be the same, not knowing what I know now about how I've coped so far. There is a moment in this video, a nurse sprays perfume onto a lady, she has I guess asked for it and I guess it makes her feel herself, normal, just for a second and I think that is such a touching moment but also a reminder that this is real and happening to real people, mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, husbands, wives, real people, real families and it reminds me how much I hate this fucking disease. From the moment Sarcoma, cancer, entered our lives our normal changed, it will never be the same again, our thoughts our hopes our dreams changed. Yes some of our hopes and dreams remain the same but I'm sure like mine some have changed beyond all recognition. I had to learn to accept that new normal, I wasn't exactly the same, I never would be but some things didn't change. I still love music, I still want more tattoos, I still want to visit Hawaii, I am still me. That is what I see in the lady with the perfume, I guess that is part of her from before, the person she was and still is, maybe that is the thing her loved ones think of when they think of her or what they will remember in the future. I may be wrong of course but I hope that no matter what happens in my future there are little things about me that bring a smile to the faces of those closest to me. I wish none of us had to see this new normal, that nobody ever had to support a loved one as they face it, I especially wish that those conversations I haven't had to have would never have to be had again. I wish we could beat this disease once and for all, for all of us, but unfortunately at the minute we can't so all I can do is wish as much love, happiness and peace as you can have no matter where you are right now on your journey. I am lucky, my worry has come and gone ( well not completely yet...) this weekend, others are not that lucky so if you can I guess maybe we should try and get this to the Christmas number one spot, let's raise some money so people can continue to be who they are, let's raise some awareness and get people talking about the part of cancer that doesn't make the adverts, their twitter page @ChoirLondon tells you how.
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Darren EvansOn Feb 11th 2013 my life changed forever when I was diagnosed with a myxoid liposarcoma of the right thigh. This is my version of my life since then. Archives
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