I said earlier in this blog that I was told the fight with cancer would involve days that I win and days that cancer wins. Well today was another day that I won. Today I hit two full years in remission, two years since I was told in the very same room I was diagnosed in that I was now cancer free. This is to me a major milestone, helped by the fact that my consultant is happy to extend my check ups out to every 4 months after my next one. Now that might not sound a big difference to some but to me it's huge, they are now confident enough to let me have another month before they need to check me, 1 less time a year that I have to go through my check up routine, 1 more step to 6 monthly checks and then annually.
My day went as I expected it to, I didn't really sleep last night and at about 6 this morning I decided it was time for coffee. I got up made my normal super strong first coffee and watched an old episode of Soldier, Soldier on some random Sky channel. It helped me to relax, I drifted back to the early 90's and watching it just as I was joining the army, I'm not sure if I was more Tucker or Garvey but it did help me to just gather myself before my day began. The kids got up and then kept me busy until I dropped them at school, then I made a bit of a gesture at doing some work. At 11 I couldn't sit still any longer and headed off to Nottingham, stereo blasting and mind elsewhere until I got to about a mile from the hospital and saw it was only 1145. my appointment wasn't until 2.30! I made a couple of work calls, spoke to some friends and my family, then tried to have some lunch. I bought it, looked at it, chucked it in the bin and got another coffee and a bottle of water. At 1245 that was enough, I finished the journey and headed straight for x-ray. In, deep breath, click and on my way. Next stop the WRVS and my normal cup of tea. I sat in the garden made some more calls, texts and emails and just about passed the time without going mad until 2 o clock, when that was it, I headed down to oncology outpatients, I had left Nicola a message this morning and for once I wasn't I tears as I made it, I wanted to catch her before my appointment to tell her about my blog and that I wanted to consider getting involved in a support group. As always though clinic was busy so I got another cup of tea sat down and waited. I went into the room and If I'm honest I started to go a bit, I was rubbing my leg, getting up to pace about, sit down rub my leg, get up pace around and so on. I was probably in there 5 minutes but it felt longer, lots longer. When they came in I saw Nicola first and her look relaxed me, my consultant spoke straight away "chest x-ray is clear, how are you?" There it was, my deep breath, my lip wobble and a brief shudder. I'd made it, 2 years, 2 years, I had made it. I said I was ok, I was getting better with my anxiety in so much in that I wasn't close to throwing up in the waiting room, I wasn't going to snap at Nicola like I had at 1 year because I wondered why she was there, "it must be bad news if you're here!" I then had the scar check, leg rub for lumps followed by lymph nodes and stomach check. All the time Nicola was explaining my history, both my clinical and my mental health one to the student doctor in the room. She has a way of telling it and making me laugh, there are no airs and graces just telling how it is, that's great that's me as well, and some times I just need that. My consultant told me well done and then about the extended appointment durations. I felt good. I feel like today cancer lost another battle and maybe another little bit of it's hold on me. Each bit it loses the more I take control back from it regarding my life and my emotions, I have had some really dark times and thoughts this week but this was part of my journey back. Today was another step away from that brink, there are some plans in place now to make sure I never go back there and I know now that I won't. I will always need those people who love and care for me to be there, I know that but I have to look forward not back. I'm grateful to those that are there, very grateful and to know that people love and care is a humbling experience. One that inspires me to move forward now, to continue with this blog, to finish telling the story of how I got here and then to keep sharing my thoughts and experiences as I do make those forward steps. I have cried today but I've smiled too and that brings a bit of balance to it.
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Darren EvansOn Feb 11th 2013 my life changed forever when I was diagnosed with a myxoid liposarcoma of the right thigh. This is my version of my life since then. Archives
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